my love & hate relationship with makeup.

i feel such a high when i whip out my mascara and see my eyelashes get longer. that feeling when your eyebrows are filled in and they make your whole face come alive. i love walking into sephora and seeing all my options on how to enhance every part of my face.. how to make my nose look perfect. how to make my eyes pop out more. how to make my my cheekbones lift and all that cool detailed shit. it makes me happy and it makes many many other women happy, that’s probably why tons of makeup companies are making millions off of our beauty and secretly many of our insecurities. i enjoy not wearing makeup and being able to rub my face whenever i feel like it. it feels so free and liberating. i feel clean and.. me. i feel like my authentic self. i remember a few weeks ago i was on a hallucinogen and i clearly have a memory of myself looking in the mirror and thinking, “what is all this shit? i look so dirty.” maybe i was over thinking it, which is something that i tend to do often, especially on a nice trip. sigh. i still believe those thoughts were me just trying to be more insightful with myself. makeup is so fucking deceiving. you’ll see it all over media till the day you die.. add a filter to your face and bam, goddess. loook at you! i’m sure the reason i wear it a lot is so i can appear more alive, older, and.. hmm… what’s the word i’m looking for…well put together. i don’t look that much different without it on but there is somewhat of a difference. i’m a little attached to my makeup and it sucks. i wish i could wake up and just be okay with my normal 16 year old looking face with small sleepy chinky eyes… but for now i’ll go back to wearing this illuminator because i need some extra fucking glow in my life.

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