The Shredder’s Dissonance

Aishwarya Kandukuri
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

In an emergency press conference called by a lucrative company (previously unheard of by Market Moguls) , The Universe. Co.UnLtd’ s spokesperson lamented that the soul of the shredder in their office is both bored and saddened to rip apart countless look-alike resumes of enthusiastic graduates owing to their standard (action words+buzzwords+impact numbers) format ,only differing in the flavors of desperation their bullet points brought with them.

Addressing the rising curiosity about their company in the Global Job-market , she said, “I can understand how exciting it is for ambitious college graduates, to realize the perks of being a part of The Universe. Without any stealthy Terms & Conditions , our company encourages creativity, gives a joining De-conditioning bonus with occasional Off-mind opportunities (refer Albert Hoffman, McKenna for more details), rewards generously and most importantly doesn’t skip addressing our employees’ mental health issues by advertising bean bags and pool tables. Need less to say, many of our employees have successfully brought back peace and contentment into their lives -which is what everyone wants in the end and our attrition rates are, well — imaginary numbers.”

Chuckling at the speculative faces of the market analysts in the front row, she stated, “We are able to provide these benefits because ours is the only company scientifically proven to be expanding and growing at a steady rate, in spite of any market fluctuations. Now trust me when I say, that we understand the circumstances from which people wish to liberate themselves and join us. It is also true that we have enough openings to accommodate every applicant.

Sadly, the only skill which we look for is no where to be found in the resumes that we received- it’s the skill of crafting one’s spirit. Some of them have rather embarrassingly managed to convert this hard earned life skill into irrelevant bullet points, strategically sprinkled across the resume- All of which can easily be summarized to mean, “I do good only, all day every day”. ”

Meanwhile around the world , server traffic surged. Crafting the spirit? Wasting no time in introspection, Smart Phones unlocked and Google is immediately bombarded with use-cases, ranging from “How to spirit MOOC for free” to “Authentic but Successful Spirit Crafters” with a “no Hippies” filter.

Ironically, it’s confused algorithm kept suggesting “Did you mean top crafty people” and “ Also see top Conman” in the search results.

The nonchalant spokesperson continued, “We are holding this press conference to let everyone know that all one pagers explaining empty ‘work’ and calling it ‘experience’ will mean nothing to us. Our Shredder can easily spot periodic, buzzword based identity reinventions and prolonged exposure to these covert bluffs has tortured it’s soul. If you have not put in any effort to understand your Self, your Soul and The Present of which you are eternally a part of, then refrain from sending us your resumes. Please don’t force our Shredder to work over-time because as strange as it may seem, our company policy mandates that we all share the same soul. If the Shredder is sad, then we are all sad. ”

Sensing a restless lull of dull reactionary thoughts in the air, she said, “ If we receive any questions such as “What if you are missing out on the resume of a “team player” who’s spirit is already perfectly crafted?” then, let me inform you that this is a direct insult to the intelligence of our Shredder and we cant have any further damage done to it’s soul. All I can say is, our ways are mysterious and if you wish to be a part of The Universe, you have no choice but to have faith in our recruitment processes.”

A huge commotion erupted in the hall as distrusting reporters, deans, graduates,analysts yelled different versions of the exact same question back to her including some loud fuck-yous to the Shredder. As her car revved impatiently and loudly outside the building waiting for her to come out, a shrug was all she had to spare for the crowd.

Newspapers next day, ran cover stories titled ‘ Harvard Grads rejected by mystery company’s intelligent Shredder’. Nonsensical conclusions about sentient shredders, AI conquering humanity and if or not Elon Musk had predicted all of this to happen, were waiting to be made and forgotten, in the coming days.

As days slowly eased into nights and bank accounts went from zero to Ka-Ching each month, everyone slowly understood that crafting the spirit is fucking hard- much harder than finance or derivatives or statistics or making money.

Sometimes, they would think about giving it a sincere try- during cab rides back home. But most times, the cab would be stuck in traffic and everyone automatically wired back into feeling bored, busy and over worked- waiting for the weekend, for the next better job.

And thus, the Shredder at The Universe.Co.UnLtd lived happily ever after.

Aishwarya Kandukuri

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