Happy vs Happier: This is the story of my fuckup.

The fuckup moment was the realisation that everything in my world of startup was just hype. And shit just got real.

There I was, alone, in my room. I was reflecting on everything that happened over the past 12 weeks in an Israeli startup I joined forces with, sold my life to. Then, I felt at a really dark place in my life.

We (the SG-IS startup) were poised for unicorn trajectory and everything seemed rosy. iJAM + NUS investments, lined up high profile people to join our advisory board, bragged about IP, negotiated licensing deals, got featured as tech partners alongside Uber and Twilio, talking to telcos in Japan and Philippines. Our advisors called us the A-Team, 2 tech geniuses from intelligence unit of the Israel military + 2 entrepreneurial Singaporeans who can get things moving in Singapore and Southeast Asia. And I was about to be a shareholder in this seemingly groundbreaking company.

The reality though, is that we had zero paying customers or signed contracts. It was becoming clear by then that we’ve oversized the market, over-exaggerated the pain, over-estimated the ease of adoption. My CEO was not showing signs of success in follow-on fundraising. The other Singaporean in the team was fuelling distrust, telling me that I should be CEO since I was meeting investors in Singapore. CTO was not entirely convinced I should be an equal partner. We all barely knew each other, let alone trust each other, had cultural differences in communication, were split location-wise Singapore and Tel-Aviv -- all that was taking a toll on my emotions.

I looked at my laptop screen. My bank account was running dry. Prolly only had about 3 month survival runway. Then I did the most irrational thing.

I booked a plane ticket to Egypt.

Well, it was either Egypt or Madrid. I always look back at this moment and laugh. I have a friend now who drops me this truthbomb when I’m about to make an impulsive decision. He’ll say “I’ll tell you NOT to do another Egypt.”

Coming back to the story. I believed I needed that space far away from civilisation to think. Working on a closer timezone with my Israeli partners, over a week, we concluded on a pivot.

Im gonna pause the story right there and fast forward to the insight.

Looking back. I can see how I built myself up (as a byproduct of the startup), only to realise I’m digging myself a hole of somewhere I don’t even know I want to be.

In November 2015, I walked away from my partners, the 2 Israeli tech geniuses I first pitched to join forces with. When I first decided to join, I even convinced mum how it mades sense for a muslim to work with Israelis!

Well, sunk cost aside, everything that could go wrong, went wrong in that startup. It took a real trusted friend who was vested in my success, to sit me down for 2 hours, talk straight into my eyes — for me to pull the plug on this. For that I am forever indebted to her.

Take a step back. Allow me to reflect on how it all started.

When I can’t conceptualise the what it means for me to be ‘happy’, I let myself settle for ‘happi-er’.

What was I even thinking? Consider the context! Frustrated in my job, really want to (try) doing or being a stakeholder in a startup.

For a startup that’s been around for 1 year and selected for market growth by an Israel-pan-asian accelerator. They were getting positive signals and I was attracted by the thought of how much unique value I can bring to the table.

On a spectrum, that’s pretty naive I’d say. Though, if not for this experience I wouldn’t have grown the eye to see beyond the hype. And ill take this with me for a possible venture in future.