Echoes of the past

I’ve always been a foodie. I remember waking up early in the morning to sneak a glimpse of what mother had cooked for the school tiffin. I remember carrying a little extra on my very first day of the new school, because sometimes, you make friends.

Yes, I’m the girl you ridiculed on day one for how she came to school with her hair dressed neat in oil, and I never told you how my mom woke up fifteen minutes early to massage every inch of my hair to comb it back neatly into pleats. That day, I brought my first ever shower gel, and I still remember the fragrance.

Yes, I’m the girl whose lunch box laid flat on the floor, because according to you, the girls,who struggled to clip the belt shut, didn’t deserve to bite on a piece of love.

Yes, I’m the girl who you bullied in fourth grade because you said that my face looked uglier than your genitals.
Since that day, I haven’t stopped looking at my face three times in the front camera, each day.

Bully, you’ve taught me how to forget a lot. I’ve conveniently forgotten how my mother told me to never hold my breath back, and all I care about, is the fit of the dress now. You’ve taught me how to say no to the third chapati no matter how bad I love the gravy. You’ve taught me how to remember your face, in attempts to try and make me forget mine.

Here, I want you to know, that I sometimes get sleepless nights where I wake up to a few words bouncing inside my head, and it isn’t your fault. It isn’t my relative’s fault who calls me a fat ass. It isn’t my extended family which believes in sending me out to fetch an extra bit, just because the diameter of my thighs, exceeds that of the earth. It isn’t the television which celebrates a fairer skin and a zero figure.

It is me, I believe. I should’ve come to school with the belt undone , because you don’t get to cage a free spirit. I should’ve started to eat alone, because my mother told me to not talk while eating, and that was a good advice. I should’ve learnt how to say no to the society announcing rules to love my body, because trust me, today, I weigh more than average, and my hair is unkempt. I do not check the mirror before meeting people I love.And for me fat is always a description but for you it is an insult.

Also, I call myself family, and that is where it ends.

So do you.