Day 35: Heart and Mind

Earlier today, I started going to a Bible study with some women from church. We’re doing a study called Chase, by Jennie Allen. Landon and I heard her talk at Idea Camp last year and, while I don’t agree with everything she says, I like her. I like her passion and I like what she’s about. And so far, I think I’m going to like this study.

Today was just an intro day, but a few things from it have really been turning around in my head and heart today.

In her intro segment, Jennie Allen talks some about David. She didn’t touch: on anything I didn’t already know about him, but what hit me hard was this he messed up a lot. He made mistakes—big mistakes, with big consequences from God. He made mistakes with consequences that cost him and those around him in huge ways. But, he also did awesome things because he trusted God. He was brave, because of his God. He lived out his faith with reckless abandon. He knew God was real and he lived like it. His life was a roller coaster of ups and downs. It wasn’t perfect by any means and neither way he. As Jennie pointed out, he did things that, if he did them in our society today, would probably have him put in jail.

And despite this, despite a life that is full of high highs and low lows and probably everything in between, God called him a man after His own heart. And He chose to bring His son into the world through his lineage.

And for some reason, even though I knew all of that before, it hit me in a new way today.

It’s all about the heart. It’s all about knowing God and loving Him. That’s it. Everything else flows from it, everything else is an expression of it, but all that really matters is loving God and chasing after a relationship with Him.

And I’m preaching this to myself today because I mess up. All the time. And I have days like today, where I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and try again with my kids because today, I was not the mom I want to be. I was distracted and short and yelling. I kept apologizing and I kept doing it again. I was stressed and frustrated and I’m not even sure how it all happened. And as I was thinking over how I messed up today, I kept feeling like I must not have any kind of relationship with God or else I wouldn’t be acting this poorly.

And then, God brought to mind David. And He reminded me that it’s all about the heart. That doesn’t excuse my behavior. That doesn’t give me a pass from trying to be better. That doesn’t mean that I was a good mom today. But, who I am and my relationship with God is not founded by how good of a person I am.

And, after thinking on it all day, I think that’s the answer to the question that was posed to us this morning—-what are you chasing after?

I kept coming up with answer after answer during class and all seemed right but none were spot on. And I think that’s it—I think I am chasing being good enough. A good enough mom. A good enough wife. A good enough friend. A good enough sister. A good enough daughter. A good enough…just good enough. And through that, I’m chasing the world’s approval. In a spiritual sense, I will never be good enough. At the same time, in God’s eyes, I am already good enough, not because of anything I did or did not do, but because Jesus’ blood has washed my sins away and when God looks at me, He sees Jesus.

So will I try again tomorrow and try to do better? Absolutely. But I’m also going to try hard to not focus on being good enough in the world’s eyes. I will mess up. I will apologize and try again. But I’m seeing things in a different light now, as I think with a new heart about the story of David. For him to have lived his life, both the high highs and the low lows, and still be known as a man after God’s own heart, is teaching me something about God’s heart and about having a relationship with Him.

I’m praying hard that that realization, and learning more about what that looks like, changes me. I pray that it changes how I act and how I make decisions. But more than that, I’m praying that it changes me from the inside. I’m praying that it changes my heart and my feelings about God and about life.

And then tonight, as I was rocking Austin to sleep, I was mulling things over again. And I started thinking that maybe I’m just learning all of these facts about the Bible and what scripture says, but nothing’s really taking root. I’m pretty sure I was wondering/praying—when does the relationship with God really become real? Because I’m ready for it. I want it. And tonight, I was feeling a little discouraged, mostly because I was so irritable towards Aedan today and just wanting to get a few things done. And the words, “You are transformed by the renewing of your mind” popped into my head. I’m learning that tht is one of the ways the Holy Spirit speaks to you. So, I’m going to take it as that and believe that He was telling me, through Romans 12:2 (He probably would have brought the whole verse to mind, had I had it totally memorized) that we’re on the right track. That despite how I’m feeling tonight, He’s telling me to keep working on a relationship with Him. So, I’m going to keep reading and studying and doing my best to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of my mind.

Heart and mind. We’re still pressing into God. We’re still praying for Him to reveal more of Himself to us and for us to fall more in love with Him, with our whole hearts and minds.

Aja and Landon Speights

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