I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with life, like there’s no possible way for me to do it all. It’s nothing huge, but it just feels like I can’t get ahead. For the last month or so, I’ve just felt like I can’t get on top of the laundry, the diapers, the dishes, the cooking, the writing, the Juice Plus, the cleaning and the little things that pop up here and there, on top of everything that comes along with taking care of/parenting our two boys.

It’s making me distracted, stressed and grouchy, which I hate. Those feelings are only compounded by this sense that I should be doing better at this point, which I honestly think is Satan trying to make me feel like a relationship with God is dependent upon me and not God. Nonetheless, they’re still thoughts I have to fight against believing.

I keep thinking that I need to regroup, to sit down and make a plan. To make a schedule. To pull an all nighter. To do SOMETHING to make things work better. It’s not that life is bad. It’s not. It’s actually good. It’s fun even, and every day I have moments where I am just so thankful to be at home with our boys.

But, I just can’t shake this feeling of rushing, of needing to get things done, of needing to prioritize and tackle everything to get caught up. In my heart, I know that’s wrong. That’s not how God calls us to live. That’s putting chores/projects over people—and worrying about things that don’t matter at all, in the grand scheme of things.

I know it’s a heart issue. There are days where life is just like it was today, messy and all, and I’m happy. Then there are days like today when I act like I did today. It’s a heart issue—and a relationship with God issue.

Today’s lesson was the exact reminder that I needed and it really hit me pretty hard. Truthfully, made me kind of sad.

We were studying again about Koinonia, which means intimate fellowship, with God.

Blackaby starts off the chapter with this quote:

“Koinonia with God is the basic element of salvation and eternal life (see John 17:3"

I had to read that a couple of times. Then, I asked Landon what he thought it meant, kinda hoping he’d say it meant something other than what I thought that it meant. He confirmed that Blackaby was saying that our salvation hinges on a relationship, a real relationship, with God. The flip side of that, of not having a real relationship but thinking that you are saved, is scary to really think about.

I then went and read John 17:3, which says “ Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

As if they hadn’t already in this study, things got real today. Reading that immediately brought to my mind a sense of urgency when it comes to people who don’t intimately know God. It made me really think hard about my own relationship with God.

As we’ve been going through this study, I’ve often felt encouraged in my relationship with God. But then, we got to this question towards the end of today’s lesson.

“In all honesty before God, who is the Lord and Master of your life? Check one or write your own.”

The choices we were given were Jesus Christ, my job, myself, my spouse, my money and possessions or other.

I sat there for a few minutes thinking.

I really wanted to check Jesus Christ. I really, really did. But when I came down to it, I just felt so convicted that I am still going about my daily life just the way I want to. I am giving God time each day and I am really trying to work on my relationship with Him, but I still haven’t totally submitted to His sovreign rule. So, I checked myself, and then added in that I really want God to be though. Because that’s the truth of where I am. And while I end some studies feeling uplifted and encouraged, today was pretty much the opposite.

My prayer tonight, as I was rocking Austin to sleep, was for God to help me, to show me how to give the details of my life, the day in and day out minute details, the scheduling, the parenting, the housework, the decisions—over to Him. I’m praying for Him to help me know how, in a very real way, to let Him be Lord and Master of my life, in both the big things and the little.

I want it, but I just get so busy and distracted that, when it comes right down to it, I think I forget to talk to Him and to listen for the Holy Spirit’s leading. That makes me feel awful and, in light of the scripture we read earlier, a little scared. I don’t think God is playing around. I feel the need to confess that to Him as sin and pray that He helps me do better tomorrow. Not that it’s about what I do, but I think how I live and the choices I make either deepen my relationship with God, or cut it off. As Blackaby pointed out,

“Continuing in fellowship with God does not happen by accident. This fellowship can be broken. Sometimes with seems to be a good intention an threaten fellowship with God, and with Christian brothers and sisters.”

I’m praying for God to bring to light anything in my life that is threatening my fellowship with Him.

Tonight as I wrap this up, I am so thankful again that He led Landon to suggest that we write each day. So much of what we have studied would have stayed in the study and not made it’s way into my heart and mind, had we not committed to spending time each day journaling. I did today’s study this morning. Sadly, after doing it, it didn’t really affect my day. I still went about it doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and it didn’t work out so hot for me. Tonight though, after spending some time really digging into what we studied and fleshing a little of it out, I think tomorrow has a chance of being different.