Life is tough when your government is being taken over by fascists. Lucky for you, a brave woman named Danuta Danielsson once provided the photo opportunity of a lifetime and inspired us all that when life gets you down, you just have to buck up, put on some lipgloss and whack a nazi on the head with your handbag. One of my dear friends, asked me which handbag I would think would be most effective for all her nazi whacking needs, so I made a handy guide.
- You’ve got money to burn, no patience for fascist nonsense and nazis to hit. At the end of the day, it’s all about the eye of the tiger. You train hard, you swing hard. This bag by Gucci is compact and sturdy because it’s actually a camera bag. But it has a long strap for maximum impact with one strong swing.
Damage Scale: 4 our of 10. Let’s be honest, this bag is really cute but it might not have the lasting effect one wants when hitting a nazi. However this does depend on what you put in your bag.
2. For the avant garde nazi puncher, the Issey Miyake Bao Bao is a classic piece that makes a statement. When you reach out to strike a nazi with this tote, it sends a message loud and clear to the masses, that you may be dressed like a lofty artist in your Rick Owens jacket, but that doesn’t mean you won’t take a swing at a fascist that catches you on the wrong motherfucking day and calls you a “slur”. Behind your frosty ice queen exterior is a human who will mess you up good like a rabid racoon. In case no one forgets nazis seized all the art that they considered “degenerate” in World War II. The wearer of this bag says “I’ll show you a degenerate”.
Damage Scale: 5 out of 10 Will deliver a blow but you may want to be prepared to run away quickly afterwards. Not a day to wear your flatform creepers.
3. People are always underestimating nerds. You would be really smart not to underestimate the anti-fascists nerd carrying this Star Wars tribute. Another friend of mine noted recently that a bouncer commented on the sturdiness and girth of her Boba Fett bag by Loungefly. It could probably do some damage if it landed upon a noggin filled with hateful nonsense. Damage Scale: 8 out of 10
4. I chose this Loewe bag for it’s unusual heft. It looks small from the photo but I’d be willing to bet you could stuff half your life in here and shuffle onto public transport without anyone suspecting of you of doing the walk of Who-Has-Time-For-Shame? If this bag were to be stuffed with shoes and other hefty objects it could leave a bit of a dent in the head of an unsuspecting fascist. Plus the bright cheerful color absolutely makes my day. Damage Scale: 9 out of 10
5. The Alexander Wang Diego bag. I’ve always wanted one of these but when given multiple opportunities I always shy away from pulling the trigger. I just have too many bags. But it is a gorgeous bag. And it’s got rose gold studs. Which makes it pretty optimal for playing whack-a-mole with nazi skulls. Damage Scale: 8 out of 10 Once again dependent on contents.
Don’t be caught without a bag that is effective in the fight against fascism. I used to dilly dally in tote bags but it may be necessary to up the ante for the next four years.