What To Wear When You’re Complicit In Helping To Create Gilead And It Backfires

Aja Barber
Jul 10, 2017 · 3 min read

Hi ladies! In case you didn’t get the memo it has been widely reported that bare shoulders are considered not acceptable to enter the Speaker’s lobby and reporters have been turned away for not adhering to said “dress code. Just so you know, before you get in a real snit over nothing, those have always been the rules. However the rules just got bent when that no good vegetable garden planting First Lady Michelle Obama rolled through with her envy inducing arms. Then the floodgates were open and before you knew it even Michelle Bachmann was bearing her arms like it was some sort of free society and not an oppressive patriarchy. Ten bucks says she never once thanked FLOTUS for breaking that door down, for Bachmann was far too busy swearing that President Barack Obama was the anti Christ, bringing for the rapture (I swear to you, it’s true). I digress.

Since we are well on our way to making this place a modern day Gilead, I mean paradise, we all realize that we must make sacrifices for the greater good of humanity. Sure, young republican staffer, it sucks that you can’t wear that sweet new Lily Pulitzer dress you bought for all those muggy, humid DC summer days. That dress really says “Marriage Material”. Kiss that J Crew sundress that matches your Tory Burch flats perfectly, “Goodbye” and push it to the back of the closet. Certainly it’s worth it to ensure that people like me worry night and day about our aging parents who may be dependent on medicare in the future. It’s all about the greater good. You’re mildly uncomfortable and hot while working in the country with the most freedom of ALL and some people will die without healthcare. Give and take for the cause. But since some believe feminism means standing with all women (no matter how garbage you think they may be), I decided to help you all out and pull some looks for you, since much of your summer wardrobe is suddenly ruled out. Most of what’s in stores and online happens to be sleeveless or cold shoulder … but I’m sure we can pull some looks together. Because I care and we can’t have you looking like a hot mess no matter how complicit you may be in it all.

  1. It’s summer and it’s sweaty but Black Halo has you covered (literally)! I hope you don’t sweat because this is the type of fabric that’s an absolute dead giveaway. But it’s worth the sacrifice to prove to those lawmakers that you are worthy of their attention and would never want to dress in a way that could distract them from their very important work, taking away all of our rights. (Please remember to buy this two sizes up as it does hug the hips in a way which might make a man uncomfortable.)
  2. So good Vice President Mike Pence, might accidentally call you “Mother”. Brought to you by your favorite homophobic gay designers who are desperate to dress you no matter the cost to their reputation. Speaking of cost, this one’s not cheap. But it’s priorities ladies! You have to ask yourself, how dedicated are you to the cause? Who cares if it eats your entire summer paycheck (since we all know those jobs on the hill are rich kid jobs anyway). You know it’s worth it, to work on campaigns that will ruin the lives of millions and rip family’s apart. Melania would approve!
  3. This one is gorgeous … and I just put it here for LOLs. You know that in Gilead, Hervé Leger will be banned so don’t even think about it. What you already own one of these? Quick! Burn it! I won’t tell anyone. It can be our little secret.
  4. This one’s a suitable little number that would make Serena Joy proud. Buy it. And let’s hope it’s made out of breathable cotton. I hear this week is going to be another scorcher on the Hill.

Don’t say I never gave you anything.

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