Biggest secrets of corporate world

I give you golden rules of success in corporate world.

  1. Ears are most sensitive part in C world : Everything including walls, chairs, table, pen on table,peons, office boy,office doormat and even your handkerchief has EARS!. Keep your mouth shut. Never ever bitch about anyone in office. They will get to know in 10 minutes max!.
  2. Ass lickers are most successful : No matter how (Einstein)ish you are in your job, you have to know the art of ‘buttering’. 80% survive by ‘licking’ and 20% by working really hard. These 20% feed other 80% also!
  3. HR is the most dangerous person around : Never mess with these ‘morons’ (Not all though). Their opinion out weights the opinion of CEO also!. The moment they say that ‘ I can save money for the company by bringing cheaper and better talent (Which they might not), you are in ‘elimination’ round.
  4. Office romance is ‘bull shit’ : I am yet to see an office love story going further from job change.Sooner or later your old girlfriend would have ‘new’ and ‘more workload’ (read new boyfriend) and less time for so called long distance relationship.Condoms used in office are flushed in office toilets only. Whatever happens in office remains in office.
  5. Never ever speak about your salary : It is the greatest mistake to discuss salary in office. You may not get a raise but may get many ‘eyes raised’ on you!
  6. Befriend the peon, office boy, drivers, lift man etc. : These little guys have maximum information about almost all office politics. Be generous with them. Spend some money on them (Usually they are poorly paid). They will give you all classified ‘insider’ information for peanuts. Friend of ‘peon’ have no enemies and even if they have, no one can withstand them!
  7. The sweetest in the room is the deadliest in the room : Never be afraid of ‘angry lots’. Be afraid of those who never react. They are the most dreaded animals around. Always pay special attention to what ever you speak to them. Never believe their ‘truth’ let alone a lie!
  8. Nothing is free in office : Always take generous free offers with a pinch of salt and pepper also!. You have no friends here but only competitors.
  9. Effort must be visible : No matter how hard working are you, what ever shows, sells. You must make every conscious effort to let your seniors know how hard you are working. Effort is only valid when it is visible. If you don’t show it , be sure that someone else is taking credit of it in the lunch time with your senior! (Along with friendly snacks!).
  10. There are no failures but scapegoats : You never fail if you are NOT the scapegoat. For every loss or perceived loss to the company, there are scapegoats. Be sure you are not the one. Someone always sacrifices for the ‘team’, usually the quiet and simple ones.
  • Bonus lesson :
  • Friendly foes : Beware of ever guiding ‘friends on face enemy on back’ colleagues who often guide you to come late to office, not to do enough work,not to respect seniors and do the unnecessary bogus things to look cool. Your value is your contribution to company.Never heed to these ‘back stabbers’ who always want their ‘friend’ or ‘relative’ to join in place of you! (Yes it sucks but is absolutely true).
  • Women Over empowerment : Women are bestowed with many privileges in corporate world. Many take it and many refuse it. Those who use their so called ‘feminine energy’ are always near the top.Proximity with bosses (male) is quite easy for an attractive female as compared to a male. However abhorring it may look, this is also a ‘dark reality ‘ of corporate sector. I have seen women councilors and HR executives, doing nothing but ‘entertaining’ their immediate bosses in their cabin and getting all perks like early leave,late entry,timely and untimely bonus, foreign tours and the likes. On the other hand equally hard working or deserving female workers but not succumbing to this ‘enticement’ or ‘compromise’ are just ignored as doormat. It is a shame but true.
  • Escalation/Promise (for raise) ‘ignis fatuus’ (Delusion):Nothing is escalated in corporate unless given in writing or in mail. A word of mouth (Promise) is always forgotten on next meeting (some times purposely). Written commitment is only valid argument.Next time you boss promises 100% raise if you do those two lucrative deals (whose credit he is going to take for his raise!), be sure to have some written proof or SMS or mail.Hence it is always better to chat with boss on message or mail threads you know!. Same is true for threats with respect to performance. Hence never discuss your performance on mail!. Reason is also evident. HR and managers are serial promise/threat maker/giver.Its like play boy proposing every girl but getting serious for only those who appropriately react.Thus they (Bosses) often re-scan their mails or messages to check for the real and ‘serious’ promises.

Originally pubished at https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-biggest-lesson-you-have-learned-in-the-corporate-world/answer/Hemant-Pandey