I have been wanting to write this for a while. It never fails to amaze me how stupid I have been in the past and I am seriously afraid of the consequences of stupidity of my actions in the future. What is this “stupidity” I keep talking about , you wonder, allow me to explain.

I have been a sensitive and an emotional person by nature. In my 12 th grade, one fine day I found my cabin mate closing his eyes and doing something. I think he was trying to get a mind palace of something in organic chemistry. My monkey like curious mind was fascinated by a guy meditating in the middle of a day. So I poked him and asked what he was doing. He got pissed and screamed at me. I cried and was sad till that night. I wouldn’t even look at him in the eyes. Of course, he apologized a while later and we got back to normal terms. I don’t understand why a 18 year old guy would cry for such a silly issue, not to sound sexist, but it really was just a silly issue. Sure he was a good friend and meant a lot to me, but I was indeed that sensitive. A stare or a miniature scream would destroy my world. Going forward a few years, I have known my roommate (not the one mentioned above) for 8 years now. Let’s call him X. There is this girl, I have liked for a few years now, let’s call her Y. Please do not worry, this is definitely not a romantic story (: .

I have to add, I am a little butterfingerish, I tend to drop whatever is on my hands. I once dropped my sister’s phone on the railway track while clicking a picture, the train ran over the phone and it was reduced to dust. I broke my screens in other phones, you get the picture I suppose.

So, I bought a new phone. X was super critical about it, he remarked cynically “let me look at the phone before you break it”. Of course, he was right. I did break the phone’s screen. I replaced the screen with my own money though ;). But to be judged based on your involuntary reflexes is not cool, at least in my opinion. And I sometimes feel an absence of control of hands before I drop these things, maybe a small medical condition. Besides, I know plenty of cautious users break their smart phones, it’s not like you plan on doing these things. But again, he had facts behind him, I did drop a phone in the train. Maybe he did not mean it, but I did take it personally. I am no pope. Despite my emotional weakness, I digested this somehow.

So I liked Y. I never had a serious relationship (at 18) before that, she had a couple I guess. Which is enough to get her branded as a slut by Indian standards by X and other guys. She smoked, X judged her for that as well, however X is comfortable with many of his guy friends smoking. I argued it’s sexist to say women shouldn’t smoke, then I got ridiculed by X for how I was being an idiot. Me and Y got along pretty well and I thought we had something special between us. She studies in a college a few hours from mine, she asked me to come and meet her. I got really excited, she meant a lot to me and I thought this would go somewhere. I told X that I was going to meet her, he went like it’s my imagination that she liked me and there was nothing between me and her. I laughed at those statements. I was really nervous that night, I wouldn’t get sleep. I had liked this girl for a few years then, and finally things were starting to work out. I woke up religiously, got ready and started my travel to meet her. An hour into my travel, she told me she wouldn’t be able to meet me. Sure, she had reasons. But I knew in my heart, that there was not a single thing in the world for which I would cancel on her. I felt really sad, I returned back to my room, dejected. X actually laughed at me, saying how foolish I was and how he was right when he said that I was imagining things. You know how sensitive I was, I was hurt beyond measure. I just thought that she liked me, I had no proof. It was just a feeling. My hate for X got beyond manageable levels, for every sad incident that happened to me, it appeared that he was more interested in whether he was right through his premature judgements. I still continued to hit on Y, sometime later she went on a movie with me, It was fun. Things got better and better, we got closer. Then she started periodically ignoring me, then constantly ignoring me, then she would talk well and cycle repeated itself. She would agree to date me, then 30 minutes later say no. Back then I had a stupid phone, I would hear myself instead of the other person during a call, the problem would get solved if I used my earphones. I called her one day around 1 am, I heard a male voice. So I plugged in my earphones, I was still hearing a male voice. It was her boyfriend, he told me that she was sleeping and asked me to call me her the next day. She tried to avoid talking about it, when I pressed her too hard, she finally told me she had a serious relationship with that guy and he was fucking her then when I called. Yeah, she told me that. I hadn’t even kissed a girl then, and when you learn that someone you love had sex with someone else it teaches you something about sex that 6 years of porn did not teach. At least it taught me something. I was incredibly naive. Living in my own world, where I thought she liked me. She did say things that would make me think I liked her, just not so much that she confirmed it and not so little that I would stop hitting on her. She kept me hanging, she kept me as a choice that she will decide upon later. I was played like a pawn. Sure she did choose me after a year or so, by then I asked her to fuck off. See X, I was right, she always liked me ;).

• Coming back to X, I let hate takeover completely. I distanced myself from him because I did not want a friend who was a sexist, I did not want someone who looks down upon me. That was my stupidity. Probably he just wanted me to take care of my phone better and that’s why he said what he said. He knew I was sensitive, and guessed correctly that Y is not the kind of person I should be with. He knew that I like people far too easily and others don’t as easily as me, that is probably why he thought I imagined she liked me too. Maybe, he was just being realistic. I am quite sure that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, thought I knew that and I couldn’t accept that. I let hate and ego take over. The distance I created was over space and time literally, he found new friends and I did as well. I realize that it was stupid of me not to forget small issues, but it’s too late, it’s far too late. I do talk to him once in a while like nothing happened between us. It goes really well mostly, I once again open myself to him and start sharing. It is good. Forgiveness is really underrated, I wish I had let it go much earlier. Lol in case, you are wondering, I am not gay. That’s a movie thing, most people think love and compassion are something you show only for your boyfriend or girlfriend. I used to, not anymore. Well yeah, X is not a perfect guy, but I value a sincere jerk infinitely more than a deceiving cunt.