Split: A life imagined

Kai Redwood Rose
Nov 6 · 4 min read

In another life, I am spending my Friday with friends. We amble to a local sushi bar, I get grilled squid and share salmon rolls, eel rolls, veggie rolls. “Mmm shitake!”

I laugh lots, my friends laugh lots we take saki shots just for the experience, not to get drunk. “Yuck,” we laugh. “No really!” I think they are good!” Someone says, we all laugh louder at this, clutching our bellies.

Under the table someone’s knee bumps mine, I bump theirs back and we squeeze hands and kiss. They are one of my lovers.

In this life, it’s a late Friday afternoon. I sit by the waterfront, feeding sparrows walnuts from my gluten free vegan carrot cake. I find them endearing and brown, I try to feed them out of my hand.

It doesn’t work.

I worry that people will think I’m strange for loving them, for noticing them, for leaning down. I try to telegraph my love. I try to make them understand in “Awwws!”.

In another life, I hold hands on each side, as we walk back to our home. Three of us live together with a pot bellied pig named Tilly, a cat named Moki and a lizard named Lizard. Our home has twinkly lights strung everywhere. We invite everyone in for games and music. Moki keeps climbing up on everyone’s lap, the kombucha is rose flavoured, nobody takes themselves seriously, pillows are jostled, someone laughs so hard sparkling rose comes out their nose.

In this life, earlier on in the afternoon,I have to walk away from the graphic novel section because someone with a scraggly beard and lanky hair, is playing porn on their phone.

“I’m so glad we are doing this,” an actress chirps. Followed by lip smacking noises, followed by “your tits are so nice!”

I say “Okay, time to go,” and walk away. I write in my journal,I walk away. I look at someone with resolve when they look my way and refuse to be the first one to look away. Like try me, go ahead and try me am Wholly unsatisfied with my life.

In another life the party is winding down. Someone is crooning on a guitar and strumming, I have my head in my other lover’s lap, they pet my hair like it’s kitten feet, or gossamer or something so soft, you need to slow down. I close my eyes, I melt into them more. My other lover squeezes my feet, I giggle a little. Someone asks if they should put the kettle on for tea, we all heartily agree.

In this life, my heart hurts from my throat to the upper right quadrant of my chest. In this life,after lunch, I spent time leaning in the sun soaked square and someone kept trying to talk to me. “I like your tights.” They say.

I ignore them, my eyes are closed, I am taking in the light.

A few minutes later they say “They are like Sagittarius.”

I open my eyes, I glance over and say “Thank for complimenting my tights, I don’t want to chat.”

“I wasn’t trying to chat.”

“Okay.”

“I was just wanting to compliment you!”

“Okay.” I close my eyes. The first day of November sun is very warm. I am very aware of them just down the bench from me. I try to relax. I half succeed. My breathing deepens. I hope they go away. I sigh, I readjust, I imagine friends coming to me. Nobody comes.

I yawn, I get up.

“Have a happy All Souls’ Day they say.”

“Oh yeah I guess that is today.” I say and walk away, imagining smashing their head into cement. Imagining choking them. Screaming in my head I don’t want to talk to you! Can’t you get that?

In another world. The guests have left and it is me and the animals and my two roommates. I am curled in one of their arms.

They are saying to Moki the cat: “Did you see that? Did you see that? Everyone was in love and absurd? Did you see Kai fall over when they were acting out a crab and nobody got it. Kai fell over and died laughing. We all died laughing. Tomorrow our obituaries will be in the paper. Mine will read very young and always in need of a big cock!”

Moki harumphs off.

I laugh into the sofa.

“Do you want me to carry you to your bed?” The other roommate asks. The tall roommate, the one with muscles who makes the best Kim Chi soup.

“Uh huh,” I drool. And we laugh.

In this life, I am very poor and can not afford things like sushi and a million twinkly lights. In this life I have no lovers and snort at the Sagittarius horoscope I read in the health clinic that says Venus is entering your sign, soon you may meet someone with whom you will share a romance with.

In this life I am probably as lonely as the hunched over porn user and All Souls’ Day chatty person.

In this life I love sparrows and feel sad about that cause I feel oddly ashamed. In this life, I dread catching the long bus home to Sooke, not knowing what I will do.

In this life, my story is a one person act and I am very sad about that.

I used to be able to buy my way into society, theatres and restaurants, university.

And now I stick my hand in dumpsters and pull out yellowing kale.

Now I bring my therapist offerings of drinkable organic Greek yogurt, sour cream in pots foraged and found “It expires today,” I say.

“Oh I don’t care about that! Thank you!”

Today I wake up and realize after 9 months, that my therapist likes me.

Huh.

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