Dear Staight White Non-Muslim American Men

Dear Straight White Non-Muslim American Men,

(I wanted to include cisgendered in that opening line. I did. But you see, you’re so sensitive to the concept of political correctness and how disgusting it is that someone who might want you to identify them in the manner they wish to be identified, to make a distinction (gender identity) that is just as valid as the three I’ve made in my greeting, that I fear I would lose your attention (and probably already am). So for the rest of this piece I’m going to alienate an entire community just to appease you, in hopes you may actually listen to me for a minute.)

I am writing you this letter because I’m concerned. I’m your brother and I identify with you. We were cut from the same cloth, raised in the same house, and share much of the same story. Only we will ever fully understand us, and this is why I think it’s imperative that I speak to you now. We are facing a massive paradigm shift, and I want to do everything I can to make sure the we stand on the correct side of history. We have a significant role to play in changing the dialogue as we try to move as a society to a better place than we are now, and our next move is an extremely important one.

I understand why you feel hurt. I understand why you feel angry; why this world feels like it’s closing in on you. In many ways it is. Our middle class is shrinking, wealth disparity is increasing, and the jobs we used to rely on to build and support a family are either being made obsolete by technology or have shipped off to places where the same thing can get done for a tenth of the price.

These aren’t points of debate, they’re fact.

I get it, I do, and I understand your concern, your fears and your anger. But I need you to hear me out, because it’s what I’m about to tell you is vitally important not only us but society at large.

This isn’t about you.

I know you’re confused right now by that statement, but try and stay with me. We’ve been granted a great gift, a gift that has allowed us to be ignorant, allowed us to be blind to the constant injustices that so many others suffer through in this country. Although it may never have felt like anyone ever did anything to help us, society has done us an incredible favor that we haven’t fully acknowledged.

I’m not telling you this to belittle your accomplishments. I’m not saying this to try and argue that you haven’t worked hard. You have worked extremely hard and built amazing, incredible things. You have done right by your ancestors and accomplished logic-defying feats. You have never ceased to impress me, and I’m in consistent awe of your potential.

But, remember, this isn’t about you.

Let me tell you a short story about an event that occurred in my own life over the course of the last year to try and help me illustrate my point better. Someone who I was very close to experienced an extremely traumatic event last year. The details remained fuzzy for some time, and my relationship with them forced me to come face to face with some of my deepest fears. This event slowly ruined my relationship with this individual and drove me into a very, very dark place. It took me a while to come to peace with my own pain and anger, and move past it. Once I had, I spoke with said individual again, and they identified one action that damaged our current relationship significantly. They pointed out how whenever we spoke, I would insert myself into the conversation by using language that indicated I knew how they felt or that I was an equal part in what had happened. I tried to include myself in a conversation that wasn’t about me.

Now, this doesn’t discount my experience, but this minor, barely noticeable, rhetorical framing in our conversations had caused marked anger on the part of the other individual. Their anger was indicative of a much deeper problem, one that you and I share in common.

The fear and pain they suffered through wasn’t mine, it wasn’t about me. Instead of listening and supporting and creating a separate space for my struggle I decided to invade theirs and overtake the conversation. I inadvertently belittled her struggle by putting my own on the same field. My experience highlighted to me how society conditioned me to make issues about myself. We do not only do this in our personal lives, but as a collective. Our reactions are immediately defensive, trying desperately to reassure ourselves that we’re good people at the expense of listening to those who are different from us.

The reaction to the societal shifts we are currently witnessing isn’t about our feelings, this isn’t about the essence of our character, and this isn’t about whether or not we are good people.

We were built and raised in a system that always preferred us at every turn. It coddled us and put us above the needs of everyone else. That has conditioned us to believe we are the majority and what is good for us is good for everyone else too. Even if it seems like we still got a raw deal, this is the truth.

• We’re less likely to go to jail, and even if we are guilty of a crime, we tend to get lighter sentences.
• We’re significantly less likely to be the victims of sexual assault. It’s more likely that we will be the aggressors. But don’t worry, we’ll get off easy, and they’ll blame the victim.
• This list of violent acts committed against LGBT people? We’ll never be on that list, despite the fact that it continues growing.
• Then there’s Islamophobia. We’re afraid of something we know nearly nothing about. 

You see, we don’t encounter the obstacles and problems that other segments of society do. We don’t get it. And we’re never going to. But just because you aren’t personally experiencing injustice, doesn’t me it is not happening. It’s just not happening to us.

Our feelings pale in comparison to the struggles so many of our fellow Americans face every day. We’re racially biased. We’re sexist too. In the incident I spoke of earlier my own, subtle, sexism prevented me from seeing such basic and intrinsic patterns in what I was doing on my quest to be a “good guy.” At the end of the day I was more concerned about being some model shining knight than listening. We’re more concerned with that image than we are of truly helping, as it’s causing us to make extremely poor decisions.

But we can overcome them, we just have to do a much better job at listening than we have been. We spend every day trying to stand up tall. We work to be inclusive, to stand up for equality, liberty and advocate for a truer, freer and better America. So I get that when someone calls you out for making a sexist or racist comment it engenders a defensive response and a hatred of the “PC.” PC engenders such disdain these days.

The truth? There is a VERY small fraction who do, in fact, see you as the devil incarnate and nothing you do will win them over. And yes, some people want to point to minute or nonexistent fault just for the sake of garnering attention.

But for the most part they just want you to shut up and actually listen.

Just listen ok? Trust me, when you succeed in doing so the legitimate grievances separate from the whining. And I can tell you from experience, the legitimate grievances are a wide majority.

And I hate to say it, but their feelings and empowerment are more important than your ability to say whatever you please to.

What I have learned recently is that not all conversations are about me. The only way I can truly help is to play a minor supporting role. I learned to accept that I’m human, accept that sometimes I fail and accept that the systems we live within are unequal and unfair. This isn’t a reflection on me and my value as a human being, it’s merely the role into which I was cast. A role into which we were cast.

We can’t change what has already happened, but we can change what happens next.

I want to leave you with a few points to think about, things that can help us be allies and change what happens next. This list is far from exhaustive, but I want to provide you with a few things to chew on:

Love, prayers, vigils and acts of human kindness are essential, but only when combined with action will they prevent us from reinforcing the status quo.

Also, we really need to stop treating MLK Jr. as an “innocuous black santa claus.” He was a democratic socialist who despised white liberals who called his actions “unwise and untimely.” If I may steal from him ever so briefly:

“here comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over and men are no longer willing to be plunged into an abyss of injustice where they experience the bleakness of corroding despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience…”

When you use King as a criticism for the #BlackLivesMatter movement he rolls over in his grave. Stop it, just stop it. Your life has always mattered as have those of the police. We are built into these institutions and protected by them to a troubling degree, so we need to stop acting like the victims. We, #BLM and the police all want to same thing, and there are ways to improve the system for everyone involved, and it starts by admitting we have a problem and trying to fix it.

Also, I’m looking at you Bernie Bro, can we please, please stop having a hissy fit about this election? People much older and wiser than us know that change is incremental and that we can’t afford to blow up the ship just because this election’s clear choice comes loaded with significant baggage. It’s far from ideal, but the GOP candidate (I refuse to use his name, it only seems to arouse him and make things worse) has turned this election from an honest battle of values into somewhat of a moral imperative. You could fill your reply to me with countless reasons why I’m fundamentally wrong about this, but the fact is that we’re viewing this issue in the same way we’ve been viewing all these other issues. We get the luxury of standing on principles others can’t afford to risk.

The battles will be won in the trenches. Change is not going to happen overnight, but we can still make it happen. The anger at “politics as usual” is already looking like it’s going to fundamentally change the clearly undemocratic superdelegate system. It’s not quick or pretty, but it’s a start.

Also… most of us clearly hold Hillary Clinton to a higher standard than we do our racist, slave-owning rapists of founding fathers. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be critical, but can we at least realize we’re looking at this through a lens that’s clouding our judgment? We can still be angry, still push for something better, without being hypocrites in the process.

The GOP candidate represents a fundamental threat to who we want to be both as individuals and as a nation. Our efforts are better spent pushing Hillary in the right direction for the next four years than closing our eyes and hoping her opponent won’t establish a regressive supreme court that will last a generation, destroy our nation’s credit rating and turn our nation into a dystopian hellscape (well, at least for everyone who isn’t us).

Know what would be a better use of our time and energy? Telling CNN president Jeff Zucker to resign as well. This is the mainstream media’s Id admitting that he loves the Cheeto talking piece he bought because apparently he thinks that returning to the days of crossfire is going to raise the level of political discourse in this country.

So much for the fourth estate.

I felt that I needed to write this letter to you. I know you’ve been very scared, confused and angry lately, and I wanted to check in and let you know that we’re going to be alright. We have an incredible opportunity ahead of us, and we need to be brave enough to acknowledge our own bias, love ourselves in spite of these flaws, and help those who need our help to fight to get an equal shot at this life.

And that means realizing: this is not about us, and it never was.

Progress as we know it will rise or fall on what we do next.

We have an incredible opportunity ahead of us and the entire world is watching intently.

Let’s not f*ck this up.

Love,

Your Brother.