“You’re Only As Rich As The Pilots You Work With”— Mop Swingers: Episode 60.
The continuing true story of mop swinging brothers, Adam and Peter, trying to make it from Detroit, to Hollywood.
Adam circles around the filthy room, going progressively inward. “I need a girlfriend.”
Peter pushes chairs out of the way with his mop. “It’s slim pickins around here. Even Dicaprio would have a tough time scoring. P. Diddy would clean up though.”
Adam accidentally knocks over a tall plant of some kind with his mop stick. Hundreds of dead leaves cover the floor. “I concur. I bet Dicaprio would even be impressed with Jimmy. He’d say, you know, all things being equal, relative, that man can pull some tail.”
The boss yells from across the showroom for them to mop in silence.
Peter stays quiet for about ten seconds, then slides a rolling chair across the room. It crashes into the wall, making a tremendous sound. “Imagine if Jimmy hosted a podcast and Art was like the sidekick. That would be a disgusting, yet hilarious conversation. Art could be the hype man in the corner. What you got going on there Art? Nuthin! All right. Perfect. Perfect.”
Adam mops around the toilets, never pleasant work. “Ricky could be the keyboard player or something. We got to get the whole gang out on the boat at Jobby Nooner one time this summer.”
A salesman carelessly tracks mud over the part of the floor Peter just mopped. “That would be a good time. Art always runs up to me, telling me what he learned that day on Animal Planet. Lions live to fuck, and fuck shit up. Basically all they do is sling dick.”
“A regular anthropologist.”
Peter considers knocking the salesman’s head off, but continues mopping. “I wish Sunday Morning Shoot Out was still on the air. It got weird at the end. They started doing… Skits?”
Adam pilfers a lost quarter off the floor. He looks up at the security camera, then puts it in his pocket anyway. “Peter Guber did skits?”
Peter has to re-tie one of his hole ridden shoes. “He tried. He’d crack jokes about how Columbia was cleaning up the RKO slate. Not exactly broad humor. Nevertheless, hilarious. If they were around for the podcast era, I think they would have been very successful. Not that they aren’t towering legends of the game, as is.”
Adam nods, thoughtfully. “We should use the mob to fund our next movie. As long as we make a profit, we’ll be all right.”
Peter takes a garbage can off a desk, and puts it under the desk. “But we never made a profit.”
“Because we never had the right budget.”
Peter releases the contents of the mop bucket in the great drain. “You’re the writer. Worry about the scripts. I’ll worry about the money.”
“I think if I had a girlfriend I could get more writing done. Clean towels on the rack and all that.”
Peter sets the alarm. It disobeys his commands four times before it works. He curses it. But knows he needs it, so does not destroy it. “Your production levels would plummet.”