“People talking about our exploding products are only making things worse.”

“We take pride in the product we make. We know that every citizen in this great nation relies on our product for their safety, health and well-being, and our employees at our production plants are held to a very high standard. Working in our industry is very hazardous, and each of our workers puts their life on the line every single day they show up to work.

“Even when our products work 100% properly, accidents do happen, and honest mistakes are made. People understand that.

“We do unfortunately have to acknowledge that a small percentage of our plants fall short from time to time in certain areas of the country. The products they produce, for the most part, work properly, but a small percentage will regularly explode, killing the individuals relying on our product.

“These defects are a result of the faulty plants in limited areas of the country, and not inherent in the design of the product itself. It is unfortunate that certain, limited members of the population are exposed to this problem. (The product works so well in most of the country that folks who don't receive the product from these malfunctioning plants can't believe the product could possibly be exploding at the rate they do elsewhere!)

“However, we take great offense at recent protests against our product. We believe that if someone dares to call attention to the defective plants, then they must, logically, be criticizing the product itself, and we as a nation can't stand for that!

“We are dumbfounded, for example, with the actions of people who have moved out of areas where our products continue to explode on a recurring basis — they still feel like they have the right to complain, even though this country has been very good to them and allowed them great success! These people are being rightfully ridiculed for their immature, selfish and childish behavior.

“Obviously, by attempting to highlight the problems with the small percentage of products that explode and kill people, they must — as any reasonable person can plainly see — be accusing every plant and every product of being inherently dangerous and deadly, so one can only conclude that those speaking out about the exploding products have NO respect for ANY of our employees and are actively attempting to shut down every single one of our plants!

“If you are a responsible worker at one of our plants, and you have a perfect track record of producing non-exploding products in an area free of faulty plants, then, of course, you should take great offense at these protests, since they obviously mean to include you!

“Likewise, as for anyone who violently assaults any of our plants' workers or damages our product in any way — the only conclusion is that they are 100% representative of all the people attempting to protect their communities from our exploding products. The solution: we need to condemn these protests in an effort to silence them.

“People talking about our exploding products are only making things worse.”