Question: Are we truly sexually compatible. Have we discussed our sexual tastes? Tools to help cope with finding someone really in-concert.

Relationships. A common sense approach to finding a lifetime partner (not for those “dating” or looking to get laid), and you’re bright enough to work with this template. In your heart you know what works and doesn’t work for you. This isn’t for those simply “dating” and getting laid. Rather, those who’ve decided they want to settle down with the right partner - a lifetime.

You’re going to have to “vet” each possibility to see if the chemistry AND compatibility are present. Ummm … that sounds mechanical or even heartless. It is to a degree, but do you want real affinity and the least potential for disaster down the road?

I see intellect (and “day-residue” stuff) as Number ONE. Day residue means, ‘is one a die-hard right-wing conservative, the other a leftist, almost a socialist Democrat?’ Cause that’s disaster waiting to happen. So are pets, kids, religious beliefs, in-laws, intimacy needs, communications, dietary issues, frugal vs. spend, or one needs to live by the ocean while the other is desperate for the mountains. If you don’t cover the “Business Of A Relationship” now, it will bite you in the ass in the short term. Potential for resentments, angry arguments, distance, regrets, and you even, ‘Goodbye’.

Number Two. Emotional availability. Careful here. I’m an outgoing guy. I wear my heart on my sleeve and talk about everything quickly. I like people and it’s a pleasure to find enthusiasm, intensity, a revealing heart, yeah…, one who gets vibes of attraction and dives in to explore even closer as I do so easily. I am fucking lost with a girl who’s shy, has issues from a previous relationship (or ex), is ‘hard to get to know’, has a “vanilla” paradigm, or is not very communicative or sexually oriented. I have a strong sexual nature.

So then, Number Three. Sexual compatibility. It seems emotions and sex are irrevocably intertwined. Powerful emotions can lead to something sexual and great sex can result in emotional release. But with number three in particular, society has already washed it’s ‘should’, ‘should not’, standards all over us all. Only a relative few survive with curiosity intact. Questions. Being screened for sexual tastes is not what she expected I assure you. But she might just respect/admire your honest approach if she recognizes it’s importance as well. Differences. I have a taste for “kink”. I don’t like vanilla lifestyles. I want a sexually oriented girl, unafraid to experiment, and has some kink in her veins as well. Being slapped while having sex drives her wild. So how do you find out if the girl you’re talking to is appalled or hungry for something “rough”? You ask. You’re thinking, ‘sure just come out and ask her how she likes her how she likes her slappings.’ Well, there are softer ways of determining this, but yes. You let this area go undiscovered, even short term, and your taste for a kinkier girl is going to surprise the shit out of that beautiful girl you’ve met twice, and find pulling her hair makes her scream — not in a good way, ‘Are you crazy that HURT!’ I found Time and Effort costly in my search. It’s brutal for everyone, but you can be smarter. I still want the compatibility in the Three areas above. Make her come to you.

I put a profile together on the “dating” website, OKcupid. It’s free and has one of the largest single dating communities out there (more than Match.com I believe). Cupid was savvy enough to have members answer hundreds (over 800) of very pointed questions. Religion, Ethics, Dating, Sex, and an “Other” section covering things like, ‘would you feel comfortable dating a person who keeps a gun in their house? Things you’re glad to know. After answering as many as 800+ questions, in the categories I mentioned, you’ve a pretty decent idea of who this girl is before typing your first, “Hello.” The depth and complexity of the questions are stunning. Answers to, ‘Should creationism be taught in schools’, tell you a great deal. Or, ‘Do you enjoy giving head?’ And they answer giving you a leg up where interest is concerned. Armed with the Q&A, and your certainty this data is critical in choosing the right partner, you can push limits in discovery.

I’ve written from a male POV, but this all applies to a woman of course. People want to connect, Most want a relationship but have given up from being bitten in the ass one too many times. Intimacy is necessary to be fully alive, enjoy living. But anxiety fear, pain, and disappointment find many people with walls and guards up. To get through those walls requires being on the site, putting together an exciting, revealing, and extraordinarily honest/candid profile. It’s like an advertisement for you. Say what you need. If 999 pass on your profile, the one writes saying, ‘Your words spoke directly to me. I’m intrigued, let’s talk’, is a message worth answering.

Don’t waste time with typing back and forth more than a couple of occasions. If her messages are open, intimate, and suggest chemistry, suggest a phone call. Hear the others voice, ask questions in context live, get a sense of humor, flow, and if it seems meeting in person is the next step. Be prepared for a lack of chemistry in the call as well. When your gut tells you, ‘nope,’ tell her it’s been an interesting talk, but you’re going to look further. CLICK. That’s how it works. Then, start over. Big job, with the exquisitely happy payoff. Never, ever, compromise.