Second Chances

Would giving second chances always straighten things out? Maybe sometimes it’s okay not to mend a broken heart, because a deliberate attempt to heal it might cause more pain…

I woke up almost immediately at the sound of the first alarm. That was probably because I didn’t have a sound sleep last night. The fragments of the fight I had with my mom the previous day kept me awake for most of the night.

As I climbed out of my bed, my mind brushed past the areas of my brain that had retained the accusations thrown at me by my mother. My bloodshot eyes readily furnished fresh tears. As I wiped away my tears grudgingly, I felt terribly ashamed and frustrated. I confronted myself with the question that had been haunting for the past few months. “From when did you become so sensitive?” But this time my inner voice did have an answer. ‘Not before you and ex fell apart…” it said in a very feeble tone, as if it hated to admit the truth.

The colour drained from my face and I felt my limbs go weak. ‘No, not again, please…’I muttered pleadingly. But my pleading fell on the deaf ears. The reins around the memories of my ex-lover fell to the ground and then the memories ran loose…

I had always envied people who fall in love with the right guy or girl, for it took only a week to realize that he was not the right guy for me. We were good friends and shared a wonderful rapport. And though I found the difference in our tastes and opinions amusing, I did figure out that the difference in our fundamental beliefs would cause certainly trouble in future.

Nevertheless, I truly loved him and cared for him immensely. ‘What if he’s not the right man, he’s my man’ I often told myself. I shared almost everything to him, even the things that I wouldn’t try sharing to my bestie or my mom; we discussed things that the others consider taboo subjects, argued over petty things, respected each others’ opinions and always supported each others’ goals. There were times when I wondered if it was really love. Because most of the time it appeared as a perfect blend of love, friendship and companionship…

But there was one thing that kept nagging me throughout. Most of the time, it felt like unrequited love; there were times I wondered if he would ever love me back.

Things did seem to go well until he changed the school. We did manage to keep in touch for a few months through the phone calls and mail. But as the months passed, the calls became fewer and then became nil. My mail never saw any replies. He didn’t even happen to remember my birthday. It felt as though he deliberately avoided me, or worse, let go of me…

And one fine day, I decided to call him. And despite knowing how his parents loathed having calls from girls, I mustered all the courage I could and made the call. It was attended by his mother. And she was decent enough not to cut the call or yell at me. To my surprise, she actually handed the phone to him. It felt so magical to hear his voice again, but the words he spoke wiped away all the magic. He didn’t seem to care about not having me in his life. The miles that separated us had never bothered me, but his indifference towards me and his inability to understand my feelings made me realize how distant we had grown. He gave me only one-word answers and seemed eager to end the call. I ended the call and also what was left over of our relationship.

What followed was four months of mental torture, despair and agony. During my study hours I did a considerably decent job of blocking him out of my thoughts, but in the night those thoughts came back with a vengeance , and I would spend sleepless hours, tossing and turning around, wetting my pillows. And in the morning, my puffy, bulged eyes served as a perfect remainder of all the weeping I did during the night.

After a few weeks, I cried less and the memories came to me, only like the tiny waves that reach the shore. Then, I found myself feeling attracted to one of my schoolmates. He really did help me to take my mind off my ex. We never really spoke, though. I would just spot him in the corridor or in the canteen, catch his eyes, and sometimes I offered him the ghost of a smile, and most of the times, he did smile back.

However, things turned ugly when I realized, after an evening of introspection, that I have been using this new guy as a distraction from my ex-lover. What I also realized was that while I’m trying to run away from him, I was actually running to him. My mind invariably linked everything, good or bad, to him. I saw him in every song I heard, every person I met and every emotion I experienced. It slowly dawned upon me how inseparable we have become, despite the things that stood between us. Maybe we were not destined to be together. But what is destiny doing in the arena of raw, pure and crazy love…

I could still forgive him; I could still give him a second chance. Maybe, we could still make it work. All of a sudden, winning him back seemed so real, so simple. It was just a call away. I need to just tell how badly I miss him, how desperately I want him back into my life and how we would still make a perfect pair…

Instinctively, I grabbed my phone. But a cloud of uncertainty stole away my impulse. I pondered for a moment.

‘Would giving him a second chance straighten out the things between us? Or would it worsen the issues and make them irrepairable? A tear rolled down my cheek. Whatever we once had between us was beautiful, let it remain beautiful. And no, I can’t afford to jeopardize the memories, the memories we had made together. Maybe it is better to stay this way rather than going through the turmoil again. I simply can’t see him suffer. Probably he has moved on, and is happy; let him stay happy.

I slowly placed my mobile on the table and sighed. But no matter what, a part of me will always love him. And he will remain the love of life, forever…