The Inevitable Trauma Of A Young Girl.
At that moment, I should have left. My gut told me to. My mind told me to. But you see, the heart can sometimes be so stubborn… It is ready to go to any length to destroy its self-respect to keep this person, this memory of someone you love. They might not even be the same anymore. But your heart is firm in its belief.
“Well, who told you to sleep with all the boys on Earth? Of course, they’re going to give you a hard time after all of this is over.”
Wouldn’t it have been easier if it were just a friend who said that? No matter how close, I’d still prefer a friend say that to me rather than my own blood. Let alone, my father. After all, cutting ties with them would be much easier.
I was raped by my ex-boyfriend. We were on friendly terms since we broke up. He would sometimes send me articles that he knew I loved to read in my alone time. He’d share jokes that he thought I would find funny. I could not believe I had proved every person wrong who said, “you can’t be friends with your ex”. The time and distance had made us lose feelings for each other. On one unfortunate day, he texted me to meet up. He is a good guy, I told myself. It shouldn’t be a problem, right? At least that’s what I thought before he pushed me against the wall of his bedroom.
One minute I was in a restaurant eating out with him, laughing and chatting and having the time of my life and the next, I remember having my clothes being torn off as I lay on a bed. How I got from there to here, I had no clue. It was a familiar place for me. I had been to his place a couple of times. I was very sure it was his house and nowhere else. But why was I here? Did I pass out? No, wait. I did not have a drink. Then… Did he put something in my food?
As I slowly got back to my senses, I felt a familiar touch on my body. Except… It didn’t feel good. It was the same passionate touch of my ex-boyfriend when we used to have sex. But this time it was harsh with a lot of urgency. Like he was on a timer to get over with it. But wait, why was he tearing my clothes apart? Why was I in my underwear while his hands caressed my body? Did I consent to that? With a swift realization of what was happening, I tried to get up and run.
Too bad, he was strong. He gripped me by my neck and pinned me down. I was afraid. Who was this monster? This same person who used to make love to me with such delicacy was being so atrocious. I never knew he had this side to him. I never knew someone I once loved and trusted so much was doing this to me. I tried to scream but nothing came out. I was choking and he was too strong. I couldn’t move. I was totally naked, lying helpless on his bed. He then picked me up and pushed me against the wall. What was once kinky and romantic, felt scary and life-threatening. I screamed for the millisecond his hand left my neck. But I don’t think anyone was coming to my rescue. My head was ringing. Probably because of the intensity with which my head had banged against the wall. With one hand back to being over my mouth, he pushed himself inside of me. Without. My. Consent. He fulfilled his deepest darkest desires that had been writhing inside of him since… I couldn’t even fathom for how long.
I felt a part of me die. How was I supposed to trust anyone after this? Was it my fault? But I wasn’t dressed inappropriately. I wasn’t trying to give hints. I wasn’t trying to seduce him. Isn’t that how some people justified rape? How would I face my parents? My friends? My boyfriend? Maybe it was indeed my fault. Maybe I should have never considered meeting him. Maybe this is why they say exes shouldn’t be friends. I should have told someone about my whereabouts. Oh god, how did I mess this up?
He clothed me without a word after he was done and drove me back to my house. I was stunned, too scared to argue or fight back. I left his car as silently as I had got in. I stood in front of my house with a thousand self victimizing thoughts in my head, a tear rolling down my cheek and my hands shaking as I tried to ring the doorbell. A few moments later, my father opened the door.
I wouldn’t say that he didn’t try to listen. I told him everything I could. But my father got up from the couch and thrashed me. He was angry, he was hurt. And in the heat of the moment, he ended up hurting me more than I already was. I knew he would help me at all costs and get him locked up, but I knew he felt somewhere deep inside his heart that I WAS WRONG.
“Who told you to sleep with all the boys on Earth? Of course, they’re going to give you a hard time after you break up. You are a girl. Are you not concerned about your own safety? Why would you go and meet men alone? I know people your age think it’s a progressive world. But there is a limit to it. Next time, try not to get in bed with the next guy you find attractive.”
Maybe he was right. I was too reckless. I was not careful. I should have never seen him. I should have texted my location to all the people who cared. He is right. He is being protective. Of course.
No, wait. I shouldn’t have to hear all of that. I should have left when I heard him say that. His words pierced my heart with such intensity, I don’t think there was any coming back from that. With red eyes, I looked at my father. I wanted to tell him how toxic his belief was. That it wasn’t my fault. What right did he have to say this to me? Just because I was his daughter? What right did my ex have to do that to me? Because I once used to consent to make love to him, how dare he think he still had it? I wanted to tell him that what he was trying to imply to me and also somewhere to the society was, it is not safe for a woman to trust anyone. It is a sad reality. But it comes back to a whole circle. This happens because we have such beliefs. My father should not have blamed me. My ex shouldn’t have raped me. I should have left when I heard this. At that very moment, I should have gotten up and left. But you see, the heart can be stubborn sometimes. He’s your father. He’s not gonna understand. Isn’t this what generation gap is? I let that toxic thought seep into me when I should have gotten up and walked right out.
Disclaimer - This is a work of fiction. But it doesn’t change the fact that it is somewhere the reality of our world.