*Finding safe place*
The understanding that you were expected to be an adult came quickly. You were expected to be the one to clean up things and never allowing yourself to make a mess. You stayed calm to prevent everything else in falling apart or when it is already fell apart. And you became proud of this too. This ability to suppress and somehow invalidate your own feelings became a sort of weapon. Being there for people when they were feeling weak, became a hobby.
Now that you are an adult, you got tired of being a "strong person." You considered it as compliment before and now you don’t. After years of denial, only you are to blame for the havoc you have created on your insides for refusing to acknowledge what you were feeling.
You avoid to developed friendships. You watched people walk out of your life because they didn’t want or know how to ''deal with'' you. The next night you stayed up till 5 am helping someone navigate their emotions. You didn’t complain, you didn’t feel like you had the right to. You kept searching for your safe space , and found it in books, and being alone. Instead of feeling safe with the people you were with, you felt anxious, desperate and constantly on the edge of losing control, and control was so very important to you.
You got tired of invalidating your feelings and thinking that your emotions don’t matter because others have bigger problems. Though your mind constantly reminded you that you're no royalty and life isn’t a fairytale, you found yourself wishing that it were, ridiculous idea but when did wishing like every human become something to be so ashamed of?
As you came to terms with how you wanted to lead your life, everything got better. However, you never did learn how to open up. But it's safe to say, writing made up for it, always does.