7.5.16

Feel like I’ve been a bitch lately. I would like to blame many things:

  • July can be emotional for me. We lost dad five years ago on the 1st of this month. The 4th also reminds me so much of him. I have so many wonderful memories of him grilling for all of us, dancing around to old music, and just his genuinely happy spirit. I can feel the joy he felt in those moments when we were all home together as a family enjoying each other’s company. He loved us, and I miss him.
  • My birthday is soon. It’s whatever. I’ll be 28. I’m going to die eventually. Age is just a count of time spent here, I do not correlate it with much significance. Many things cause you to mature, not just time. Time gives room for events to happen that lead to maturity.
  • I just started my period. Not that you care to know, maybe I just grossed you out. I do not know much about the reality of hormones associated with the female body specifically during this wonderful time. I question if it’s not just one of those fables we are told and we do not question. Maybe I’m just more aware of the possibility that I could be a little extra sensitive emotionally so that leads me to being more aware of the times I’m bothered. Whatever. I don’t know. I’m just saying.
  • I have moments of craving something to really dive into. An obsessive healthy hobby. Then I realize that it too is tied to my desire to have a lot of money and attention. Then I remember how much I enjoy practicing hot yoga and crossfit, and I read things by Krishna Murti, and that I’m set financially and have nothing to worry about and then I can let go of the feeling that tells me I need to become “something.”

I also want to say that I may have been feeling a little self-righteous. Finding mental freedom and control through learning Buddhism had me feeling on top. When others started to compliment my stillness and ability to handle the masses of complaining and needy people it only puffed up my ego even more. So recently when I was corrected in things that I should not be ultimately this deeply bothered by (having my cellphone out on the floor at work, dropping Dumbbells at the gym…) I immediately became a child. It was like someone had flipped a switch in me. One minute I’m fine the next I am fighting a knot in my throat and my brain stops working and I can’t help but feel attacked. I’m often thinking “but I’m not a malicious person…I never meant to hurt ______.” or “dude, come on. No one is around… I’m just sending a quick text.” as if I’m incapable of doing the wrong thing…

So what I mean by being a bitch is that I’m easily agitated right now. I know that I cannot blame any of those things for why I’m so cranky right now, but I can say that when I do not confront those pains I lose control of myself. I have to do the hard work of seeing why it’s bothering me so deeply… if I can do it, I can usually see that it points to an area of weakness.

  • Dads death makes me fearful of my own death and the deaths of those I love.
  • Turning 28 gets my closer to those deaths.
  • Hormones are a mystery to me. Do not know if this is a real weakness or not and how to confront it. I guess I should read up on some biology.
  • Feeling like I don’t have a “thing” makes me feel dumb and that I am not very creative or unique. The idea of being a sort of character to people seems great. Having a lot of money seems great too. But that just shows me that I don’t love myself and crave others approval.

So I cannot blame anyone or anything for my bad attitude. I can only blame myself for not responding well.

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