People who try to hard.

Really… really…

I just really needed to share this. It’s too funny to not share. This is by far the most ridiculous email I have gotten to date.

I work as an admin/accounts payable, I have been trained on proper email etiquette. So when I get these silly emails I just laugh because who in their right mind would believe such a thing.

Well, Peter Douglas…

• I have never in my life been to Atlanta or any part of Georgia let alone anywhere past Colorado. (except a layover in Newark)
• Never have I ever in my life lost any luggage
• Although it would be nice, but never would I ever expect to get $6 million from anyone, even if it was from James Bond…
• I’m pretty sure that excepting 30% of the $6 million is called a bribe and you’d probably be fired for that. ($1,800,000)

Lastly… because I enjoy it, lets count all the spelling and grammatical errors!!! YAY!! (Honestly, I do this to everything that I read, even my own writing because no one is perfect and we all make little funny mistakes somewhere)

For Your Prompt Attention.

First of all, when you start a letter/email what have you, you don’t end you greeting with a period. You end it with a comma…

I am Peter Douglas, United Nations Inspection Agent in Hartsfield Jackson Atlanta International Airport Atlanta GA.

Dear Mr. Douglas, this sentence is just… obnoxious. How about, Good afternoon, my name is Peter Douglas, Inspection Agent for the United Nations at the Atlanta International Airport.

We are conducting Second phase audition, all abandoned Consignment in USA Airports are being transferred to our facilities here for inspection and confiscation.

First, why is “Second” capitalized? Second… I don’t think “audition” means what you think it means. Third, why is “Consignment” capitalized? Fourth, “USA Airports…” Um, sentence structure… it’s a thing. Okay, okay.. Mr. Douglas, how about:

We are conducting a secondary assessment of all abandoned luggage items collected from all United States airports. At this time all abandoned luggage items are being transferred to our facility in Hartsfield Jaskon, Georgia for further inspection and investigation.

Sound better?

During our investigation, I discovered an abandoned luggage on your name which was transferred to our facility here in Hartsfield Jackson Atlanta International Airport and when scanned it, it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in a Metal Trunk Box.

Whoever taught you the English language does not understand English language. But in reality they probably use Google Translate. *Insert laughing here* So Mr. Douglas, how about this….

During our investigations, we discovered a parcel marked with your name (Insert here how name appears on luggage, which can’t actually happen because they don’t know my name). At this time the parcel is located at our facility (as mentioned earlier… like in the last sentence) in Hartsfield Jackson, Georgia. Upon scanning the large metal box, it was revealed that the parcel contains what looks to be a large sum of money. (Can they scan a metal box? I may just be confused about that part)

The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money, rather it was declared as personal effect to avoid diversion by the Diplomatic Agent also the Diplomat inability to pay for Non Inspection Fees.

Again, why is “Content” capitalized? “To avoid diversion,” do you mean.. to create a diversion? I don’t think that word means what you think it means sir. “Diplomat inability for Non Inspection Fees.” This is surely Google Translate at it’s finest. Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t money be considered “personal effect?” I don’t think that you have to declare money when shipping something? I’ve never shipped anything over seas so I don’t know the answer to that. How about:

This parcel came under investigation for falsely declaring the contents as personal effects as well as the consignee failed to pay fees to by pass any inspection.

I don’t know how to even correct this sentence… It’s too far messed up. I can’t fix it. *Laughing at self… Please feel free to take a shot at it.

On my assumption, the box will contain more that $6M and the consignment is left in storage house till today through a Courier Dispatch Service. The Consignment is a metal box with weight of about 242LBS (Internal dimension: W61 x H156 x D73 (cm) Effective capacity: 680 L)Approximately.

… “the box will contain more that…” THAT!! Oh boy. It is all improper to say “$6M,” the proper way would probably be “$6,000,000.00” and “the consignment is left in storage house..” in storage house… storage house. I can only imagine a big building with a sign on the front that says “Storage House, store all your things here!” How would one know how much $6 million weigh… like what is the weigh of a bill? I’m not volunteering to do that math. Heck no. Also the lack of a space between the end of the parenthesis is really bothering me. Also, you don’t capitalize the “lbs” after said number.

The details of the consignment includes your name, the official document from United Nations office in London all are tagged on the Metal Trunk box.

Mr. Douglas, if my name was on the box, you’d know my name. Also, I don’t know a single person in London, nor have I ever been there. And James Bond isn’t a real person so I don’t think he’d be sending me a large sum of money. Also there’s a thing called wire transfers……

I want to use my good office and clear the Consignment and deliver it to you. If you WILL ACCEPT MY CONDITION and want us to transact the delivery for mutual benefit, you should provide Your Name, Phone Number and Full Address, to cross check if it corresponds with the address on the official document including the name of nearest Airport around you and other details. You should send the required details to me for onward delivery.

Whoah, Mr. Douglas, this is no reason do BE SO PUSHY! “My good office.” I don’t really know what this means or why you’re trying to use this type of statement to gain any type of credibility… “and want us to transact the delivery for mutual benefit…” Um, there’s a word for this and I’m pretty sure it’s against some law of some kind. Also…

Onward & transact…. Um, wrong context maybe? *Claps hands* good job Google Translate, for making it so easy to spot scammers.

My theory is; they want my name and what not to create a fake ID or passport so they can gain entry to the country. That’s really all they need for a passport right?

All communication must be held extremely confidential, I can get everything concluded within 24 to 48hours upon your acceptance and proceed to your address for delivery. But it must be on the condition that you will give me 30% of the amount contained in the box and i must get assurance from you concerning my 30% before i will proceed.

Again, I don’t think those words mean what you think they mean. How about:

All communication must be extremely confidential. I can get everything taken care of within 24 to 48 hours. Upon your acceptance, we will proceed with the delivery of the parcel. My only condition is that you will be so will to provide me with 30% of the $6 million. It is only if you agree to my only term that I will make sure that the parcel gets delivered to you safely.

So, I’m pretty sure that it would be highly illegal for Mr. Douglas to retain $1,800,00 from said container and I’m pretty sure that if someone says that this information be “extremely confidential,” it means that they’re probably stealing or breaking some type of rule/law. I’m also positive that a metal trunk containing $6 million would be under investigation by the FBI. You don’t just have $6 million with out someone saying… “Hold the phone.”

I want us to transact this business and share the money, since the shipper have abandoned it and ran away. I will pay for the Non inspection fee and arrange for the box to be moved out of this Airport to your address, Once i am through, i will deliver the consignment by myself to avoid any more trouble. But the sharing formula will be 70% for you and 30% for me, you have to assure me of my 30%. Do respond to me if you are interested to conclude this with me.

See, this is where they give away all their devious plans. “I want US to transact…” Key word, US. Also, they keep using “transact” which is weird because Mr. Douglas is using the word correctly, but Americans don’t use that word in this context. We use “transaction” and we really only use “transaction” when referring to bank transactions.

Mr. Douglas, with all due respect, if I just randomly had someone send me $6 million, do you really think that I would give you 30% of my money. FUCK NO. NO FUCKING WAY Sir! I would also sue you for invasion of privacy, however I don’t know if in this circumstance I could actually do that.

Why is “Once” capitalized and “i” not? And!! “Once I am through,” So you’re delivering this in person? Why? I couldn’t care less about you… Just send me my money bro! If the package is already inside the United States, there shouldn’t be anymore trouble. Once an item goes through customs… it’s good.

“The sharing formula will be 70% for you and 30% for me.” Um. Formula. It’s just like transact. Wrong context buddy. You may be using the word within it’s definition, but the English language is about context and not definition. Which is why we have so many stupid words that mean THE SAME THING!

“you have to assure me of my 30%. Do respond to me if you are interested to conclude this with me.” Hold you horses dude! I don’t need to assure you shit. If I wanted to I could have someone else come and bring me my money. I could also have you arrested. And don’t you tell me what to do!

Oh boy, this guy. Mr. Peter Douglas… first off, I don’t know you. I don’t trust you. Your knowledge of the English language sucks ass, and $6 million is not realistic. So please sir, be deleted from my spam box.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have.