#19 It is so pointless;
-Akila Sridhar



To fall for you and to fall out of it- all by myself. Seems redundant and tiring. I know the inevitable. Had I been so uncontrollable, then wouldn’t you have taken a step now? Instead of me building castles and forgetting that conversation? Wouldn’t I have a different ending after everything? I wanted to kiss a toad into a prince. You wanted a princess to come-by. Easy and convenient. I wanted to make coffee and you wanted to get instant from the shop downstairs. Easy and convenient. You can’t say no, you can’t spoil it for us – so you’ll pretend of being unaware. Cause god forbid you should act on it , god forbid you go for it. If you acknowledge knowing, you’ll be forced to act on it and now we don’t want to mess the convenience around. So we’ll pretend.
I’m aware of the behaviour, I’m aware of the events. I just can’t do it all over again with you. I can’t lie in wait , only for you to act surprised when I actually speak up. I can’t spoil my days with breathlessness thinking of my feelings and you not feeling them. You might not be ready, but hey, when will you ever be? I know I’ll pamper and spoil myself into believing that you want me- we all know the dramatic climax to that pulp fiction.
You’ll call me a friend, you’ll tell me you’re not ready and you’ll ask me to stop over imagining. You’ll convince me that it was all done in good spirits and that I was the one stirring the wrong pot. Thing is, I’ll buy it.
You’ll pull away and I’ll push you away.
Irrespective that you’ve never done this to anyone before. You’ve never gotten this close before, you’ve never said those things before, never held her so close. You don’t do this to every girl but somehow I was the one holding the wrong pot.
Thing is, I remember those moments but you wouldn’t.
Irrespective that we crossed the friendship boundary on occasions or even
Caressed each other on would be beside the point and I’ve never said these words out loud before. I’ve never done this before. But I know my lessons.
Life tip: Pushing me away or forcing me to see things in a different light won’t help me fall out of love- give me time, I’ll hit reality.
We gel, doesn’t mean we should expect anything to happen. We laugh, but doesn’t mean you’re the happiest with me. We plan together but doesn’t mean I bonded with any other thought in mind but for friendship. But if I tell you how I feel, do you have the maturity to be the same to me henceforth?
If I say things out loud, it’d be harmful for my self esteem and our friendship.
You’ll disappear and disappoint.
You’ll get through it shutting it all out and me away. I’ll give up. I’m too tired of all the anticipated drama that I’d rather live in denial and move on. If only you could man up and make my day. If only you could step up and take me away. If only I was the girl for you. If only I made you crazy like I’ve made a few. If only I didn’t know the ending. If only we were different.
But, I’d rather pretend nothing is on the table than dismantle the table for good.
Cause I over think and you run.
Cause I feel and you don’t.
Cause I’d try and fail you wouldn’t.
Cause you want it easy and I just would have you and a challenge.
