#15 Bad habits;

I’ll pretend leaving and pretend again that you held me
to stop and to stay, to get together and for a
Future for us and house by the bay;
I’ll hope and bring on the soap-opera louder than Mrs. Opera.
-Akila Sridhar
I’ll hide
behind emotional curtains or walls
even aide of. sarcasm so I don’t
let my feelings slide.
I have a bad habit, to leave;
To leave my feelings to feel; my heart to stay; with you or with a smoking-gun from the scene of crime. I might run it in my head, day in and day out, but you wouldn’t hear a murmur escape my side. I have a bad habit, I guess the level of success. I foresee your dejection, your sprint away, your withdrawal and your choice to stay away. I barely ever not cut you slack and always expect the lowest form of repayment , for then I could enjoy and cherish you. I smudged and muffled the game, so I can predict the outcome and declare you winner, futile attempts at winning your vile/ insecure Heart. I could feel important and I could rejoice my place in your life. I’m childish, adamant and meticulous planner, for I chose you, I chose you to choose but me. I have a bad habit, to remember. I remember every frown of yours, every sigh, every wink and every high. I remember your coping mechanisms and I remember your numbing tactics. I remember your denial state and I remember your compartmentalisation rate. I remember your mood and I remember you.
I have a bad habit in me to push away, anything that I need to work for, to suffer for, to cry for. I simply don’t buy it, the tough love or love that makes you move mountains. Love that needs five page essay and ten member team to working on convince you. For, I’m a person who likes easy and convenience. I like simple joys of life- I like who I am. I like luck and I like the chase. But if you’re playing too hard to get, it takes two to dance, and I won’t stay long or groove along. I have a bad habit of taking my tears at face value and your rejection. I’ll reassess and reconcile. I’ll reconsider and rephrase. I’ll remember. I’ll count my sulk and tag it valuable, something you think I’d have been preparing since day numero uno. But little do you know that I fell head over heels against all plans based on clarity of mind. If you make me chase you, if you make me convince or string along, I’ll lose interest faster than you can think of sour grapes. For, I’m flawed, maybe just me, but I am. I feel too much, over think and fall too hard. I don’t usually look around for more but when I do, I take it all the way home.
I won’t
I won’t chase
I won’t convince or kick the bucket or
beat the race
I won’t stay
I won’t turn gay
I won’t console or rationale with fact
I won’t rebut or argue
I won’t mind if interactions are kept compact.
For you see, this’ll help my esteem and heart to stay intact.
I’ll hide
behind emotional curtains or walls
even aide of sarcasm so I don’t
Let me feelings slide.
This is me. Thanks for letting me be. Thanks for the feelings of glee and thanks for making my heart want to flee. This is me, a sucker for rhyming words who pours out her heart without a fee.
