AND THEN GOD SAID…
Angel Gabriel : (calls out next name for judgement)
God : Wait, is this the one from Oyo or Ondo state?
Angel Gabriel : Oyo state, Almighty One
God : That doesn’t sound right! How old are you?
Man : 26 years
God : What?! You were scheduled to die at 62, how are you here already?
Man : (looking confused) I thought God was supposed to know all things?
(awkward silence)
God : Walk with me, let me show you some things
When I created earth, there was only 2 of your kind. Now there’s over 7 billion and we have to keep track of everything; sins, prayers, births and deaths of each one of you. 10,000 angels to 7 billion people, do the math and you’ll see were massively understaffed.
Over there I have about 1,000 angels keeping record of every sin committed and it’s just unbelievable the rate at which you humans sin. See that stressed out looking angel? Well one of the humans he’s monitoring literally broke all 10 commandments in a span of 30 minutes! It’s just incredible! And when you humans are not breaking the laws in the Holy books, you’re inventing new ways to sin. Oh, I really can’t wait to get my hands on the creators of that Pornhub site, I got something special for them (grinning)
Now all the way over there are the angels that record prayers from Earth and relay them to me. You see those obese looking angels? They’re in charge of Europe, so they don’t have much to do. But you see those really skinny angels? Well you guessed it, they handle Africa. Y’all pray way too much, especially you Nigerians.
I remember this one time, there was this student who was to have an impromptu test the next day. Instead of him reading like a normal, sane person should, he spent the night praying on a mountain for the cancellation of the test. Of course I completely ignored him and he failed. Woefully. What did he do next? Well, he embarked on a 7-day prayer and fasting session with the request that I magically turn his fail into a pass. I had to check with the Creation department to be sure he didn’t get fitted with a donkey’s brain while he was being assembled. Like what do you humans take me for anyways?
Night vigils, 24 hour marathon prayer sessions, for like 2 months I had to disconnect the communication system that channels prayers from Nigeria up here so I could attend to the South Americans.
No, don’t even give me that judgmental look. Even I get bored listening to prayer requests for money and the death of your imaginary enemies.
So you see heaven is a really busy place
Man : Wow! I haven’t seen Jesus Christ around tho? Isn’t he real?
God : Oh, he’s very real. Really busy too. He’s finalizing our plans for Rapture
Man : So the world is ending soon???!
God : By the grace of the almighty Me, yes. I’ve seen enough. People are eating Beans and fried egg, people are flipping genders like it’s a deck of cards but the tipping point for me was when Sam Smith identified as “gender neutral." Seriously what’s up with that? How can you really believe you don’t have a gender. He is referring to himself as they and them and no one is trying to get him medical help? Naahhh, this earth is done. All that work I put into eliminating Sodom and Gomorrah only for you all to recreate it on a wider scale. Am I a joke to you people? I’ll probably start life afresh on Jupiter or Saturn, make sharks the dominant species. Or maybe rats. They’re already smarter than you lot anyways.
But enough of the tour, what are we gonna do about you?
Man : Pls I don’t want to go to hell!
God : Not so fast, you’re not exactly dead yet
Man : I’m not? When people narrate incidences of briefly dying and going to heaven, it doesn’t sound anything like this
God : Errr most of them didn’t even get this far. All those tales of seeing bright lights and what not, must be the drugs or something. Definitely not me
Man : Oh wow
God : Yeah, so the doctors, bless them, are working frantically to save you. And your mum and wife, well they are praying desperately that I let you live. So now I have to decide
Man : Please send me back. God please!
God : Oh so you want me to send you back? (laughing) You got into an accident on your way to cheat on your wife with your side chick. So now you want to go back so you can what? Continue the drive over to her place?
Man : (bewildered silence)
God : (laughing) Why’d you look so shocked? You thought I wouldn’t notice? I am God after all
Man : (weeping)
God : Oh please, save the tears. I’ll give you a second chance because of those praying for you. If I were to judge you now it’s straight to hell, cuz really you’re a terrible person. If it wasn’t for Jesus constantly telling me to chill out, I’d unleash my Old Testament mode on all of you sinners (look of evident, overwhelming disgust)
Man : Oh thank you God, I promise I will repent. I promise...
God : Yen yen yen, shut up already. Yo Gabriel, send him back
And pls tell Lucifer to keep his roommates quiet, wailing loudly like it’s my fault they’re in there....
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