Anxiety.

Boy, am I anxious. My posts are basely emotional, and I’m going to be alright with the vulnerability that I share with whoever the heck reads these (aka.. no one).

I’ve been busy. A lot is on my mind. I keep wanting to swallow every piece of information that comes my way entirely. I want to have every bit of information and know everything about everything. I’m curious. The amount of curiosity that I am experiencing is scaring me.

I’ve always dealt with major cravings for information and knowledge, but never like this. I wake up and turn on duolingo. I read whenever possible. I only watch videos that are informative on something I’m interested in. I keep going and I keep pushing myself. I find myself on the interior just being tired of learning but it feels like something is just continuing to push me. I can’t explain.

I have so many things that I feel like I have to do because there are so many things that I want to do. Does that make any sense whatsoever?

My Happenings

• I’ve been learning Russian, kinda hardcore. I’ve studied for about 2 hours per day for the past few weeks..
• Reading : I read 4 books in the past 10 days? (see why this is getting weird)

1. Key Ideas : Sigmund Freud by Teach Yourself
2. The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien
3. How to Share Your Faith With Anyone : Practical Manual of Catholic Evangelization by Terry Barber
4. An Intelligent Life: Buddhist Psychology of Self-Transformation by Koitsu Yokoyama

• I just got two more books from the library. A math philosophy book? And an American Indian legends book.
• I’m president of Rotary Club so I’m trying to plan that out and get the show on the road
• I need some volunteer hours which makes me want to volunteer at the Wildlife Rescue Habitat that rehabilitates animals.. I want to learn something new.. Bad idea or good?
• Maybe start a Girls Who Code club? I could get hours there instead
• I have to think about my entire future
• Scholarships
• ACTs

I want to bang my head against a wall.. In a good way.

Maybe it’s not in a good way, who’s to say?

I have too much to think about, I feel.

I haven’t gone to mass in FOREVER. This is not a joke, SOS.

I’m going insane, it’s two in the morning.

My body can continue now when my mind and heart don’t want to. I stick to plans and I keep going. I choose the harder path. It feels great.

I feel my level of learning is unhealthy. It sort of reminds me of when I was extremely depressed my freshman year. With the drive that I had/have right now, I know that I could achieve in the highest ways that I feel would still would never fulfill me.

I’m proud of myself for letting go after being depressed freshman year and not pushing so hard. There are other things to focus on. People. Places. Things. Learning seems selfish sometimes. Most of the time.

I want to cry.

Enjoy this raw episode of Ashlyn being her own asshole. ☺

Okay wait… I thought I was done ranting but I have a surprise.

I can’t do these vacations with my family. I just can’t… I can’t watch the selfishness of my family as they eat mindlessly, drink mindlessly, spend mindlessly, act mindlessly. All in their own needs. I’m not perfect, but I need people in my life that are strong and courageous. I’m not proud of the person that I was raised to be. I’m proud of the person that I became after straying away from the people that they are.

I’m never pushed to be better. I’m pushed to be less. Less stiff. Less risky. Less colorful. I am reminded of the poem that I wrote my freshman year.

It’s not bad, I guess.

Sleeping and crying sound like some good night plans.. ❤