There is Something Stopping Me
There is something stopping me from writing. I don’t know what it is, or maybe I do. Right now I’m trying to fly on the keyboard so I don’t stop and shut my laptop, distracted by other things.
I think my hesitation comes from making something that isn’t “good”. I’ve held myself to a certain standard for a long time and to make something that isn’t to that standard makes me scared and angry. I’m scared because when will I be better? When others validate my work and existence? I’m angry because I know the only way to make things you are proud of is to start somewhere. You have to start somewhere! You have to start at crap and garbage before you can even begin to think your shit is good.
I always think about something Ira Glass said once. There is a period of time when you are going to hate everything you create, but you have to push through to find what you like about your work. That’s why you just create and create, one day looking at it and saying, “Wow, that’s not terrible”. I have learned something.
So screw it! I’m going to force myself to write something every day here. Mark my words. EVERY DAY. It’s not going to be profound every time, it probably won’t be profound a majority of the time. But I have to do it. My life doesn’t make me happy unless I am writing about something. I have to follow that. I have to find the simple pleasures in my life and act on them, because man. Life is really hard for a lot of people right now, and if walking in the sunshine makes me happy for a good 30 minutes then I have to do it. If writing sweet nothings simply because I like the way the words look on the page makes me cheery, then well. Gotta do it.
Life can be very hard, and it’s never really easy. But you have to do what you need to do to get through the days. Life can be satisfying. That’s what I want. I don’t want fame, I don’t want grand recognition, I just want satisfaction. Then when I wake up and look outside in the morning, I don’t feel regret about anything. I am merely a 23-year-old, but that’s what I want right now.