Depression & Childhood Trauma: Psilocybin mushroom as My Woo-Woo Healing

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I hadn’t planned on using psilocybin mushrooms for depression and anxiety. But as it happens with me and weed, things fell into place and it opened a path on July 4, 2019.

The deep stomachaches followed by shocks of nausea didn’t turn me off.

No, they led me to my second dive on Thursday, March 26, 2020. Because that “something” within me was craving release but couldn’t seem to get it right. Honestly, I was heartbroken and distraught that I had pushed away a guy I still like.

Especially because I felt it was “someone” doing the pushing.

It wasn’t something I rationally wanted. So what in the fuck was going on?? That was the turning point of going deeper into what I wanted to deny but couldn’t let go.

Childhood trauma had its grip on me.

Revelation: a major magic mushroom side effect

So I first tried shrooms on my own in an AirBnB in L.A. on Independence Day 2019. A friend in Portland gave them to me the day prior before I bussed down to North Hollywood. It was a gram and given the barrage of bull shit I experienced that year, it was time to see what the fuck was up.

I escaped depression on Christmas 2018 (what’s with me and holidays?) during an insightful edible high. But I managed to get sucked right back in thanks to a series of exacerbating events that dialed my anxiety to 1000%.

(This shit has consumed me for a year, so I’m not quite ready to go into the details.)

Ultimately, I ended up internalizing a lot of anger, frustration, annoyance and so many other emotions and the shroom trip gave me release.

I cried so fucking much.

But it freed me to move forward with certain decisions I was resisting heavily.

So with that in mind, I slid on down to shroom town. After reaching out to the plug, he hooked me up with some shroom shake and then I went to town. (I learned not to add that shit to oatmeal — almost puked!)

The water works ensued for hours upon hours and hours and then I was faced with I had been denying…

I was holding onto a lifetime of pain from my childhood and adolescent years.

An adult living with childhood trauma

I guess we all carry some type of trauma. After my older brother died back in 2013, I ended up moving back in with my parents. And since I was relying on them and we had suffered a loss, I figured it was time for me to well…

Get over it.

Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t work like that. As I’m sure many of you already know. But given the onslaught of adulthood and how badly I was adapting, I thought I’d just keep building myself. And it would possibly resolve itself?

I tested out therapy here and there, but nothing really clicked. But the internal struggles persisted.

Especially in my relationships with others. Even more so in my intimate relationships where I started off so confident and enjoying myself. Until deeper feelings happened and…

All of me would shut down. I’d pull away. My emotions would grow frantic. My mind would race and I never felt entirely safe despite my desire to enjoy the love. My love was tangled with pain that I hadn’t been able to cope with.

Pain from not just my parents being over-critical and putting too much pressure on me.

Pain from my older brother pushing me around.

Pain from being ignored by most of my teachers.

Pain from being made fun of and bullied from K-8.

I didn’t know what to do with any of this as a child. I didn’t know how to have friendships or maintain them. I just started deadening my emotions more and more to cope.

And as it goes with Bessel van der Kolk’s book “The Body Keeps the Score” and talk, all that internalized pain was coming out in ways my younger self couldn’t express.

Accepting my reality with Complex PTSD

Thanks to the shrooms release, I investigate childhood emotional abuse via the internet. Yes, a standard edition wise move by a 30-something milennial. I knew it was the move though.

Because I was avoiding even looking up this shit up. For years.

So on a whim, I hopped onto YouTube and looked up “childhood trauma.” And came across this lovely woman Anne of Crappy Childhood Fairy.

Now this part didn’t happen the same day. But it followed a few days of exploration after and… It truly unveiled the emotional trap within me. It gave a name to my struggle: complex PTSD.

YouTube being YouTube, watching her videos led me to childhood trauma counselor named Counselor Carl. Which helped me to accept the fear and shame that were trapped inside me for so long.

I’ve since taken up Anne’s method of journaling and meditating twice a day. And overall taking better care of myself to keep my brain from wigging out.

Outro: letting go

And there we have it! My second experience with psilocybin mushrooms and how a broken heart led me to facing an unavoidable truth.

Honestly, I feel like cannabis put me onto this path. Consuming that leafy green increased my physical sensitivities. And that meant I became more aware of the underlying unrest that I was feeling.

The pain needed release and I figured it was time to start letting shit go. Why did my inner child hold on?

Because she just didn’t know what else to do. I’m glad I get to nurture her into how.

Check in every Friday evening for a “Solitude, Craftsmanship & Weed” story.

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