Sometimes it’s hard for me to embrace reality. I’ll spend loads of time thinking and contemplating my existence and my situation, but will rarely try and apply it to who I am, the person that actually exists, not the hypothetical me that exists in my mental ramblings. I’ve always had a hard time connecting the present me to the future me. Some people percieve that as a lack of drive, I’ve recently discovered it’s more of a lack of stability and a skewed self-perception. I have a continuously fading picture of myself. Its hard to describe the surrealness of me looking in the mirror. Sometimes I’ll forget that my nose has a little bump on it. Or I’ll forget I’m actually fat. And then the mirror shatters the illusion my mind has presented me, all that time away from the mirror my mind has been falsely reassuring me that my situation isn’t as bad as it actually is. Sometimes I don’t understand my body. I don’t feel it get bigger, and truly, most days I can’t personally detect it. It’s in those solemn moments of self-actualization when I see myself without the prepackaged image my mind is ready to put on top of my body and I will see my body for the mounds of fat and rolls that it’s actually made up of. Somewhere underneath there, there exists a skinny figure. My skeleton alone is proof that it’s possible. Anyone can be skinny. Why can’t I? Well…… I can always quickly answer my own question and it makes me a bit queasy to think about. Im addicted to food. More importantly I’m addicted to fast food. Those scrumptious pieces of prepackaged, preprepared, refried, resuscitated, and reheated semi-food products make my heart pitter-patter in a pathetic happy dance. The eurphoria I get as I bite into a Taco Bell quesarito is remorseful. But remorse has yet to quelch my desire for empty calories.

The whole point if this was mostly to illustrate how my brain refuses to accept my situation. I am fat, unhealthy, and in some serious trouble. If I can learn to eat positively or at least not eat all of that junk I all so often find myself craving, maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to reassure myself in the mirror that no, you aren’t adjusting the view, that’s actually just your body.