I have “Grow” by Lianne La Havas on repeat. I’ve been drawn to this song since I first listened to her album. I’ve never known why. Maybe it was her smooth vocals or true musicality…maybe it was the lyricism. One of the lines says “the future we don’t know unless we’re together”. It hits me that I’ve been wandering for years trying to figure out my future. I’ve had on big hole in my heart, not physically, for more than a decade. I’ve put it into my head that to fill this hole, I needed a man. This hole, caused by my peek-a-boo father, made me feel worthless without the validation from a man because I desperately made attempts to get this self-validation from my father and failed. I had never felt love from a man and made it a mission to get it from someone else. I let anyone come into my life, running over my heart, making the hole bigger. My mental health declined. I slipped into a severe bout of depression and developed several anger issues; both I still deal with. My future has never been clear simply because my life has always been in the hands of someone else. I let my life become controlled by someone else because I didn’t want to take control. I didn’t want to accept that I was hurt. I didn’t want to accept that I let myself become hurt. I didn’t want to accept that I was angry. I grew angrier and angrier, sadder and sadder, so much that affected my outlook on my life and my future. The feeling of together was foreign to me. Nothing had ever been together for me. I was lost.
I speak in past tense because I’m choosing to become better as of right now. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of harboring horrible memories. This will not be easy trying to heal, but it starts with a choice. I choose to be myself and to love myself. I’ve been hurting myself letting others hurt me. I refuse to let it happen anymore. I want to find myself and become the woman that I am meant to be. I’m sure there are others that know exactly what this feels like. To feel like the world is completely against them. We’re in this together. Please don’t feel alone because you’re not. I promise.