I always find myself coming back to Nabokov.
Kira Leigh

Well, THAT was easily found… It was right there! Great to know it’s something I can get close to. My first fiction writing was scifi, and I have an unwinding, uncooperative scifi novel that I turn back to every so often, stewing on a shelf. Perhaps I shouldn’t have jumped cold into Chap 11, or perhaps I shouldn’t say anything having done so. But, I’m a clod. I really liked it, like the concept, liked the characters (what I could tell) liked what you were doing with them (what I could tell) and absolutely liked the writing for the most part. I saw little or nothing of the kind of self-reflection that was reflected in the conversation. “The leaves around them pulled in…” I really liked that. That was very real. It put me there with them.

So, I can say, for the most part, that your self-criticism and the bit of criticism you received was a bit too much (again) perhaps. Still, no writing couldn’t stand some improvement. (Like that last sentence…) That bit of dialogue between Alex and Vox regarding Moira, with a few technical changes could be much stronger (by “technical” I mean hitting the “enter” key in a few different places and moving your ellipses over here and there, things like that, nothing major…). Making things clearer for the reader should not present a major challenge for your ideals as a writer. At least not in an instance like this. Times may arise when that sort of moment occurs, when you have to force images and language on them they don’t expect, but not here I think. Not worth it. And the form was so clear earlier in the text, so…

Great work, though. Really.

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