My depression has lead to strange ideas.
At one point I had an Amazon shopping basket full of equipment to head out into the Lake District and setup camp in some distant area away from the crowds by a tree and dry stone wall.
The shopping basket had tent, stove, emergency food, knife, sleeping bag, first aid kit, etc. Looking at it makes me think that the analytical part of me never dissappeared. I reckon that bar a water supply I would have everything i needed to survive for at least a couple of weeks. The only thing I would have wanted extra was my compound bow. (that one would have been a bit dicey in the UK)
Anyway, the idea was to disappear and go fully off grid and dark. No tech, nothing from the digital world (apart from the Biotite stove, which would provide me with power for lights). No word would be given to even my loved ones. I felt that I was a huge burden to them and that I was bringing bad things to hurt them as I could not cope. My temper was really difficult to control. I felt I was impossible to deal with and was ready to snap. I was frightened of myself. No, I was terrified of myself.
Bugging out seemed like the best option. I have enough skills to cope in the wilds. I have spent many nights out in the Lakes and have been able to gather plenty of supplies. I feel that I am pretty resourceful.
Now, all of that might sound weird. That would hurt my loved ones. I was not emotionally thinking right when these ideas were formed. I was in the middle of a breakdown. But looking at it now it feels like I just wanted to get to a place were I would get shattered and rest and get rid of the noise inside my head. Total removal from the noise of the world that was mine. People asking for information, money, help. People just continually wanting a part of me. People interfering in my life. The thought of being in a place I love, by myself, out of reach of anyone else felt like survival. SURVIVAL.
I have talked this through with a friend and sometime in the future I will go and do it for a couple of nights with one major change. The people I love will know where I am.
Bugging out has changed to taking a break.