Black Man Waits For White Life Coach To Announce Right Moment To Become Angry About Inequality

SHREVEPORT, LA — Explaining that his sole concern is “preserving the integrity” of his community, local furniture store manager Tyrone Cochran told reporters Thursday that he has sought the aid of New Orleans-based life coach Edward Ryan to determine the correct moment to become angered by racial oppression. “I started to become impatient, it was taking a toll on my psyche,” Cochran said, adding that he was proud to have maintained composure after Alton Sterling, of Baton Rouge, was shot and killed during an altercation with two police officers.

The following day, Philando Castile was shot and killed by an officer during a traffic stop outside Minneapolis, Minnesota while his fiancée and 4-year old daughter sat in the car, but Cochran, says Ryan, was “super chilled out.” Ryan attributed Cochran’s remarkable restraint to a regimen of weekly “accountability calls” which helped Cochran identify his core values and passions. “I came into the picture sometime after the Michael Brown fiasco. I have the ability to view things from afar and shed light on the difficult situations which have governed his life,” Ryan said. “He was this ball of toxic energy. He’s a different person now. I was so proud after those shootings in Dallas. Listen, two years ago? He would have run out and hopped into the first picket line he saw. No, not now. He knows he needs to pick his battles.”

Sources confirmed that Cochran did not react after San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick said he would not “show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color” and stayed seated during the singing of the national anthem last week. “I needed a consultant to show me what I looked like every time I went out in public,” Cochran said when asked for comment. “White people were hesitant to be around me, saying ‘Don’t get mad!’ whenever I broached topics like police brutality, privilege bias, and the gross inequalities within our justice system. I used to lie awake and wonder why they’d say that, but now I understand that it’s so much easier to confine yourself to a box and shut your ears. There was a wealth of life experience I refused to examine.”

Acknowledging that, all things considered, he was “thrilled” with his client’s progress, Ryan admitted he was initially apprehensive about working with Cochran. “I had recently helped a television producer create new possibilities for herself and her life — she quit her job and opened up a reasonably popular juice bar in the French Quarter — so I was hesitant to take on Tyrone here as my latest project because I didn’t believe he could afford my fee. I totally expected him to offer to pay with his EBT card,” Ryan said jokingly. “He was very persuasive, however. I don’t know what he had to do to make it happen, but he did, and it convinced me he was totally serious about making progress. Don’t worry, I tell him, the moment will come.”

At press time, Cochran conceded that while he places “a lot of trust in Mr. Ryan’s expertise,” he hopes that moment doesn’t take another 400 years to arrive, adding that he would like to “take pictures for my future kids.”