and
Minor pleasures
Lizella Prescott
567

At War With Myself

My mind is constantly moving. I have so many thoughts it would be nearly impossible to write them all down.

I wish my brain had a inner voice activated recorder and video to record my thoughts and dreams. I know things i need to do to get done. Its those thoughts versus anxiety that cause me to be at war with myself. When i do get things done is often slowly.

Sometimes i wonder if i set too high of expectations for myself. When i went to bed last night in my mind i wasted the day. My job is exhausting. I drive between 400 and 500 miles per week as a courier. Rest on the weekends is good. Yesterday. I worked (about 50 miles rt) did three loads of laundry and cleaned out my car

During the course of my dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) i am trying to reprogram my brain on how it thinks. I hope to somewhat relieve myself of my anxiety, depression and adhd. I know it will never completely go away, but I hope it can improve.

I just want to figure myself out. I am also interested in how mental health acts inside all of us in general. How do some overcome it better than others? Why does society look down on people that struggle with mental health, while those with physical health issues are given sympathy. The truth is it probably shouldn’t even be called mental health. Those that have what we call mental health issues are from chemical issues in the brain. Most people that struggle this way cannot help it.

Its hard to expect others to accept us when we dont accept ourselves. I feel like i have never truly known who i am with the exception of being a father, the ability to raise my children was taken away in a custody battle.

I have spent the last year searching out things i have always wanted to do but didn’t. I want(ed) to find something within myself to help me find myself. Some of those things worked and others did not. Thats how i got to dbt after an intensive outpatient program las summer (iop).

The IOP was good in that it got me out of the house at the lowest point of my life. It did nothing for me in the long term. I continued to see my personal therapist and she suggested DBT last fall.

I saw that therapist for 3.5 years. Its often good to have a change of scenery and new perspective. Ive only been seeing the new therapist since January 2016. Hopefully she will help me along the path to better myself and change the way my brain works and thinks.