kids running out of inflatable animals

The Basketball team: WILDCATS.
The Basketball team: WILDCATS.
The Basketball team: WILDCATS.
The Basketball team: GETCHA’ HEAD IN THE GAME.

When you grow up in another part of the world it’s easy to assume that movies about high school in America are being hysterical and/or hyperbolic. You've got your Mean Girls and your High School Musical depicting high school as a Darwinian social bloodbath. Entertainment being entertainment it’s necessary to ramp up the concerns of teenagers to make for good watching. Sure teenagers can be cruel all over the world but as far as I know America is the only country that awards crowns to the sexiest teenagers. In Australia it is assumed that being the sexiest 18 year old in a pit of teenagers is adequately rewarding in itself. Sure it can suck to be unpopular in high school in Australia but the uncool kids are not separated into hilarious maths or music based clubs so as not to contaminate the normals with their uncoolness.

The only logical conclusion when you see movies that depict american high school as a clique based social mafia is to assume that it’s just a movie. But that’s not true.

go native american headdress!

When I was 17 I was in my high school band. I played the tuba. Our band went on a tour of american high schools. We played at schools in Washington, Las Vegas, Lafayette, New Orleans and Los Angeles. Now I was a decisively uncool person in high school but as an uncool person it never occurred to me that I was in any way unsafe if I was separated from my fellow uncools. Similarly while my tuba playing was symptomatic of my uncoolness, my uncoolness was not defined by my tuba playing. I was uncool for a variety of reasons, and the fact that I played the tuba probably wasn't in the top ten.

go popular condom brand!

Not so in America. half the bands we visited were populated by the scarred and traumatized band geeks you see in American high school movies. They ate lunch in the band room. They socialized exclusively with other band geeks. When someone was forced to leave the band room to go to the bathroom they left like an astronaut headed through the airlock into the terrifying void of space.

Why is high school in America a brutal social shitfight where band nerds are terrified to leave their band room for lunch?

Because of the giant inflatable tunnels american high school football teams run through on game night:


These tunnels are very awesome but they do probably contribute to a warped sense of priorities.

  • Cheerleaders
  • A big inflatable monster
  • Smoke machines

If I got to run through this every week I would probably become an egomaniac. At the same time if I had to watch some other guys run through this every week while everyone else cheered them on I would probably develop an inferiority complex. How could you not be assured of your dominance when your presence is announced by a full marching band playing Flight of the Valkyries as you emerge glistening from the mouth of a condor? If you had to watch others being celebrated in this way every week would you not become certain of your own lack of merit?