Why You’re Always the One Who Gets Burnt in a Relationship

Photo by Marek Szturc on Unsplash

When it comes to romance, people who are the most giving get the most burnt if and only if they were giving in order to get.

When you do this, you blind yourself to the reality of the situation and who the person that you’re giving to actually is. And then when you get burnt, you wonder, “How could they??” But you had a role to play. You can’t play innocent because you were using them too.

It’s impossible to be truly gracious with no ulterior motive and get offended when people don’t show love back in the way you were giving it or in the way you feel it. Why?

Firstly, you understand that no one owes you anything. You aren’t going around thinking that you were cheated, slighted or tricked. You aren’t a victim because no one harmed you. Secondly, you understand that you don’t owe anyone anything. You just do what you do because you’re you. Third, when people don’t show love back, you learn that those people don’t really care about or don’t respond to your love. As a result, you keep it moving.

So, the only conclusion is to give love when we have the desire to do so. But geez, can we really just give love out willy-nilly like that? What if someone burns us?

Well, if the alternative is to try and find people to love us, and we already have experience and the last couple paragraphs to illustrate that those won’t work, then yes, love people without trying to get stuff in return. If someone burns you, walk away. You didn’t lose anything. (Please see above)

This isn’t American Idol. It’s not about auditioning people and then the best one gets an illustrious love contract whereby they give love to you and in return get loved by you.

Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say this: It is natural for us to want love. We evolved into creatures who want connection and community. There’s no point in denying this just as there is no point in denying that sex is a physiological need.

Therefore, it is not surprising that we’re willing to do anything for love and/or sex. However, we still get burnt by each other. Why? Because we’re putting our physiological needs before authentic self-expression. What do I mean by that? When you see someone you like, you have two options. One: you can show the affection you genuinely feel for this person, or two: you can feel the affection and decide that you must possess this person in one way or another.

I hope you see the difference in those options. The first one has nothing to do with what you can get from another. The second becomes about what you can get from another. The second option is, as one would expect, very popular. It’s what we do in business and it is replicated in romance to disastrous ends.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we’re largely selfish. At some point in our lives we realised it was time to start getting money, a great job and a great love life. Basically, a great life. Unfortunately, we traded interest, authenticity and our values for these things.

We didn’t realise that in the pursuit of stuff, we abandoned ourselves. If getting love or sex is the most important thing, wouldn’t that mean that your values come second? If getting love or sex is the most important thing, why would you think that you’d be able to discern who a potential partner should be?

So in your attempts to brownnose people into sex or a relationship, not only will you get burnt, you might not even be able to recognize yourself when you’re done because you have not been mindful of what you deem as important. You can’t recognize yourself because you’ve been burnt to a crisp.

The solution here is to take option one, to just express the genuine affection you have for others and that’s that. No more valuing people and then daydreaming about them fulfilling some romantic need of yours; no more being attracted to people and then expecting them to do what you want them to.

It’s not about what we can get out of life anymore. It’s about what we can give. And when we see people that we value, just value them and have that be the end of it. If the affection is reciprocated, cool. That’s awesome! But that cannot be our focus anymore. The time of selfishness is over. It’s time to focus on how much we care for others.