You’re awesome [but I just think so secretly]
A thought exercise
Which of these statements is more “natural” for us:
- “Hey, I thought you did a really great job with (something) — I really liked (something more specific)!”
- “X, Y, and Z need fixing”
If you are like me or many of the engineers¹ I have known, it is considerably easier to find things to criticize and critique. Most of the time, constructive criticism is our job. We identify problems and create solutions to them. We are hardwired to identify opportunities for improvement. Everything is :fine: and held together with duct tape and if we are lucky, we bought premium duct tape.
When we review code, it is our nature to suggest improvements or critique in some fashion. Same when reviewing RFDs or documents (such as a blog post…) or whatever else goes through a peer review process — immediately seeing the problems and reasons why something will not work and pointing those out. What percentage of comments end up this way?
Nearly 100%.
An alternative reality
What if as engineers we said positive things about each other directly, even if just very occasionally?
And I don’t mean in a cheesy or hokey way.
Let me be clear on this. The aforementioned critical engineering perspective will see through anything insincere. Give me a generic “you’re great!” and I will roll my eyes (unless your name happens to be Tony the Tiger). Because it does not mean anything. One of the most meaningless phrases in positive affirmation is “keep up the good work” because it says, well, nothing. Which work is good? Do you even know or care what I do? To many, a generic compliment will… almost never mean anything and often be worse than saying nothing.
What I am getting at is sincere and specific feedback. Think back to those first two statements. One of them a piece of specific, positive feedback. One just normal constructive criticism. Which of those would be most impactful?²
What’s the point?
So, why am I writing this on an R/D blog.
The whole topic here is something I have been passionate about for a long time and the timing seems right, now. As I am preparing to work my final days here, I have been reminded at a personal level just how deeply meaningful this type of thing can be.
A friend of mine summarized this well:
Leaving a job is like the ultimate performance review system where you wait years to get feedback
Hey Alden, I really appreciate it that thing you did back in 2015. In hindsight, I wish I’d mentioned that earlier
This is very true.
It turns out most engineers are humans at their core³ and generally, people appreciate positive things said about them deeply. Communication of something specific, however minor (and arguably ESPECIALLY minor), tells that you have understood what they did well. That, now that, is meaningful.
A story
Years ago, I was in graduate school. We had a project requiring me to interview/debrief a bunch of retired Air Force fighter pilots.
I was nervous, to say the least. In conversations around the logistics of the event, my advisor made an offhand comment to me, along the lines that I apparently give off a trustworthy vibe, so it would be fine.
That comment, which he simply meant as a statement of fact as a result of his observations of me, has stuck with me for a decade. It was meaningful to me because it was simply a statement he made about me and who I am and included something specific.
You actually are really awesome
It may take 30 seconds to send a quick Slack message. But that 30 seconds can make someone’s day or week or even give them confidence which will stick with them for their entire life.
In my high school, we had an obnoxiously cliche phrase announced every every morning (for real). “Make it a great day, or not, the choice is yours.”
My encouragement to everyone would be to think about how you can make it a great day — not necessarily for you, but for the other great people you get to work with.
Your turn
There are two homework pieces to this blog post (insert collective groan here).
First, give some thought to some “small” encouragement you received that has stuck with you. Maybe it is from years ago, maybe hours ago. Think about it and the impact it has had.
Second, find someone you know and tell them something specific that you appreciate about them. If it is too cheesy to do that today, put a reminder on your calendar for later. And, you might actually feel good, too.⁴
I will close with a quote from a Workivian who as I was writing this blog post and they reviewing it, said:
I’ve noticed that you’ve done it with me, and it’s meant a lot :awthanks:
There are a lot of awesome people here.
Sometimes, a few words saying are well worth saying and can have a lasting impact.
[1]: Likely this applies to many people and not just engineers. However, I am an engineer and the focus will be engineers.
[2]: This is also not to say that constructive feedback is not necessary. It overwhelmingly is necessary and a lack of similarly meaningful constructive feedback will completely undermine someone who is exclusively positive. The two types of feedback complement each other. However, given how much more natural it is to give constructive feedback, it feels fitting to focus on the harder side of that coin.
[3]: I’m mostly convinced of this. Somedays less so than others. And there may be bots reading this (Hi Rosie!)
[4]: Building other people up is a great way to actually build yourself up. There is a ton of research on this.
[5]: Yes, I really like footnotes. No, they aren’t great in markdown.
Originally published as an internal R/D blog in my last weeks with my company. Reposting with permission.