Will I even be a journalist at the end of all this?
Okay, so this isn’t a political opinion piece, it isn’t about Trump, it isn’t about Feminism, it’s something far different from what I usually write about.
I am not someone who struggles with anxiety, and I am not someone who needs to be constantly motivated by others to get shit done. But recently, I have been struggling to be positive about what lies ahead and I have literally been feeling like I just can’t do it.
I am probably not the only one, we all feel like this at some points in our lives, when something bad happens or when something is proving too hard. We, humans, run away from problems and give up before we even try. And I want to try, I don’t want to slack and lose motivation because I am having a bad day. I am writing this because I feel like I have felt like that and said I can’t do this or can’t do that in the past and I was fine, I will for sure be fine this time around as well, I just want to get it written down, because blogging is also like documenting my life and progress, I guess.
I am not super sad or upset Im just tired of constant deadlines and responsibility, having to work, to go to uni, to be an adult. You know, life. I have been writing myself a to do list everyday, ticking things off is so satisfying and makes me feel like I have accomplished something but nothing at the same time, is that even possible? Or is there a problem with my to do lists?
Uni deadlines and recent assignemnts have proven to be more stressful than anticipated, not really hard in its literal sense more frustrating. Having to find interviews, topics for stories, sourcing material for articles etc and making sure it all remains interesting and deserving of a good grade in the process has been draining.
Sometimes it all feels forced, you interview people for the sake of having that interview, it might not even be interesting or something you’re passioante about but you have it. That one person that actually got back to you, who wouldn’t grab it with both hands, it doesn’t happen often! Usually waiting on a response could take weeks.
Journalism is harder than it might seem. Yet, there are still those who think its a cop out, an easy degree.
It’s not even deadlines and uni that makes me feel I can’t do it. The future. Yes, that is actually something that scares me and makes me panic. What if all this effort is for nothing and in the end I wont even be a journalist? That’s fucking scary. But it is a posibility none the less. It’s not the future that scares me but the uncertaincy of it, not knowing what lies ahead, will it be bright or dull? Hard or easy? Happy or sad? I just want to know so I can prepare.
“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.” — William Shakespeare
Now comes that time when I have the option to continue at uni or take a year out, I honestly dont know what I want to do.
Do I want to carry on and get it over and done with, graduate and dive into the world of employment? Chase my dreams and all of that. But, I might not even get to where I want to be? I haven’t had a break from education for a long time so do I really want to carry on straight to next year or take time out. Relax, maybe travel, maybe work, maybe just do nothing.
What happens if I get lazy? Or find something I really love doing and then never come back to finish my degree, then is this all for nothing?
I am trying to be positive, I put 100% into everything I do because what’s the point in doing something half-ass? Yet, still I feel a little nervous and uncertain. I guess what this all comes down to is; fear. Fear of failure, fear that everything I am doing now might not even get me to where I want to be.
“Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” — Helen Keller
What happens though, if everyhting is already planned out for us? And no matter how hard we work to get ourselves to where we want to be, there is already a place waiting for us and it might not be where we want it to be?