Make UP — Spokenword
Concealer, foundation, blush on, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow
She’s done with her make-up and what’s to follow?
Ah! she put on her properly ironed white shirt, coat and black skirt
She walks at the door and choose the heels that would perfectly fit her outfit
She looks at her watch while sitting on the couch, waiting..
Waiting for the car she booked that will arrive within a few minutes, almost there! the driver texted
She stands up and look at herself one more time in the mirror, she is ready!
She has her full time job, living a corporate life
She has friends to hang out on Friday nights
She’s successful, she’d been to different places,
learned different culture, see different faces
After a whole day of fitting in the society
She arrives at her place feeling a little dizzy, she needs to rest her body
She removes her make up, now with bare face
Looking at the mirror, she’s who I see, She is me
I thought I could escape by applying dark eyeshadow on my face
I thought I could hide by putting a mask of concealer to be someone better
I refused to speak what I feel by locking words with my lipstick
I tried bringing volume in my life with mascara faking every lashes I have
I make my happiness with the shade of blush and bronzer with a perfect shimmer
Something is going on in my head
I hear whispers everytime I am in bed
I couldn’t sleep. I keep on moving, hugging my pillow and couldn’t decide whether to sleep on my left or on my right
I get this funny feeling deep inside me, it’s getting mad, all angry and it’s driving me crazy
I want to run, I wanna go somewhere and hide, I buried my face in my pillow asking for it to stop. I, I didn’t want this
No one knows what I really feel, not even me, I have no idea what’s going on inside me
My doctor says it’s depression, my bestfriend says it’s just me being silly
I want to understand, they said it can be triggered or it may occur spontaneously without being associated with a life crisis, physical illness or other risk
What’s causing this? Why me? Why do I hear whispers in my head everytime I am alone or even with people?
Is it because of my dad, who left us, hurt my mum and now serving a life sentence in prison?
Is it because of my relative who has nothing good to say about my parents and how me and my sibling are being raise?
Is it because of my mum who left us, worked out of the country hoping that we will have a better life?
Is it because of the guy I fell inlove with who made me feel that I am not good enough and just a pain in the ass?
Or is it because of that one single moment when I was young where I got drunk and been raped by several guys?
Why? Why is this happening to me?
There are questions left unanswered in my head, there are thousand thoughts left unsaid
I wanted to tell someone but I am afraid to be judged, too scared for them to say bad things to me
I wanted to tell you but you wouldn’t understand, I was scared for you to say that I am a psycho, I am weird, hearing this voices deep inside
In those dark moments I considered taking my own life
Ending the loneliness, the feeling of not needed, the idea of being alone running in my head
I wanted to end it, just get a blade and slit my wrist but I am afraid of blood so I couldn’t
I am standing in this chair looking up at the rope I tied in the ceiling,
It’s already waiting for me, inviting and teasing
They all think I am happy, everyone thought there’s nothing wrong with me
I kept all the pain, the thoughts, the madness eating me and sucking every single blood out of my body
Now, I can see that this will be the end, the end of suffering I am battling every single night I am in bed
I needed help, I needed someone, I needed to be heard, I need to let it all out
And so I began writing and now I can see you.
All of you listened to what I just said