Giving in and giving up… I’m having a hard time with this lately. There are a lot of things I’ve had to give up. Or things I’ve noticed I’ve given up over the last few months.
I haven’t worn high heels in almost 6 months. It sounds silly. Like a vanity thing. But its so much more. I grew up as a tomboy. I spent most of my childhood and teenage years in cleats. I was raised by my dad so any femininity was rare. I think the only time I wore a dress was Easter Sunday. I just got comfortable being feminine and enjoying fashion and now I can’t wear heels. It hurts for days after. I know there are other options, but being able to wear heels and be comfortable in them was a very triumphant moment. It was almost like an ugly duckling experience. It was empowering. And now that’s gone.
A few years ago I lived in an apartment that had a kitchen island. So I bought a stool to use there. I now drag that stool around the house for the times I can’t stand long enough to do what I need to do. Like cooking, or laundry, or to do my hair. It feels utterly defeating. I’m 29 and I cant stand long enough to cook dinner. It makes me cry just typing this. I tried to explain it to a friend and he just laughed. I played along, but it hurts. My body is betraying me.
I don’t really go out anymore. I don’t really have close friends anymore. Making plans is something that has become difficult to do. How will I know how I feel? Will I disappoint them? Am I setting myself up for failure? Why should I even try?
The last few days I’ve been back in a state of chronic fatigue. I can get 10 hours of sleep and still cant make it through the day. My body feels like Ive been running a marathon. But I get up every morning and do what I’m supposed to do. I put on a smile and pretend I’m fine. I laugh and engage at work. Then I go back to my office, take my medicine, and hope I make I through the day.
I’m barely keeping my head above water…