Let’s Chat About Mono-Normative Culture and Intent
My goal in beginning to write is to provide a resource for every kind of relationship. My intent is to allow people to strengthen their relationships and question their frames of reference. To provide citations where it is useful and more personal narrative where it is appropriate. To give advice that applies to both monogamous and polyamorous relationships and to introduce ethical non monogamy in snippets to those unfamiliar with it. The first two articles I write are seriously academic debates on mononormativity and then I discuss poly culture. After that I get into general relationship advice which is my actual bread and butter.
Society tailors every aspect of itself to a monogamy mindset. This is what I will refer to as mono-normativity. That is that monogamy is not only the norm, but it is generally considered the only option. Not only television and movie style media, but internet, books, general advice, discussion, mainstream relationship talk focuses on how to have a successful, arguably heteronormative, monogamous relationship. Where do the rest of the people turn for advice? How do they get through their hardships when Dr. Phil only believes in monogamy? It is sometimes in the smallest of ways that we miss that a group is not only not represented, but that it can actively be hurt by its lack of representation in society.
One has only to look at the most popular childrens’ and young adult books, movies, and television shows to see how the expectation becomes set. There is typically the damsel in distress, the prince to the rescue on a giant white steed, the two fall for each other immediately, marry, and live happily ever after. It would seem that my ideal involves at least two men, horseback riding optional, marriage meh, where’s my fairy tale?
The Ethical Slut has a relevant point here: “How do you dig up and examine a belief that you don’t even know you hold? The idea of lifelong monogamy as the only proper goal for relationships is so deeply buried in our culture that it’s almost invisible, we operate on these beliefs without even knowing we believe them. They are under our feet all the time, the foundation of our assumptions, our values, our desires, our myths, our expectations” (Easton and Hardy, p.9, 2009). Here we have arrived at a point that noted cultural studies contributor Roland Barthes whole heartedly agrees with: that myth is like an inoculation produced by the dominant class in society. Myth is what is all around us, not reality.
Many polyamorous believe that they have been done a huge disservice by society, that poly is in fact an orientation not unlike the gender or the sex one is attracted to. They have gone through life feeling like monogamy was the only option, like they were different, but that they were alone in how they felt about and saw love. Given that some poly people associate poly with an orientation, resources to live in accordance with that orientation are more necessary than one might think. Even if one attributes it to lifestyle choice, or more of personality orientation, or romantic preference it doesn’t seem fair to leave the community with so little attention and representation. The amount of poly voices out there is growing and I’m throwing mine into the mix just in case it speaks to someone in a way they’ve been hoping to find. Poly is not easy and practicing a challenging relationship structure in the dark is a good way to fall down the stairs. Want a flashlight?