A letter to my inner child.

I know that right now you think this is normal and I know that your sure everyone has the same life as you.

I’m glad and so proud that you have enough love in your heart to give your parents even when they do you wrong… YES WRONG! What is happening to you shouldn’t be happening at all you should never go to bed hungry, sad, alone or wondering if your loved. Right now all your friends and being read bed time stories, tucked into bed, being told how much there loved and there dream catchers are probably already hanging… I’m sorry that your falling asleep with you arm outstretched over your own head trying to hold yours up and keep the nightmares away again, I wish I could hang that for you.

Your mother meticulously picking out weather to use the fat belt with minimal holes or the double thin, whip like one with hundreds of holes because you dropped your plate should of never happened, I wish I could stop that for you!

None of your life so far has been normal, people see it, they know what’s happening but they don’t do anything to change that for you and I promise I would… but your strong, so much stronger then you or anyone else will ever realize! Your smart too baby find me another 5 year old that can make themselves dinner!

Soon though someone else will realize that your life at home isn’t normal and neither is your mum, unfortunately you’re going to lose your friend because of that… the saddest part is the someone was your friends mum and although she knew things weren’t normal and your home wasn’t safe she chose to do nothing other then ban him from being your friend.

This is something that is going to happen a lot from now on, people will know what is going on and that your not safe but you will be left in the situation… I wish I could tell you why they saved your brother and left you behind but even now as a 28 year old woman I don’t I don’t have an answer for you.

Please always remember your response to that boy when he told you he can’t be your friend because your mum is crazy!

“But I’m not”

Because well that’s just it… your not! At times growing up well most of the time if I’m being honest your going to question this your going to feel so incredibly lost, confused and alone… Just know I’m here right for you and always have been. I’m sorry that you’ve seen, felt and been apart of things that no child should ever have to see and I’m even sorrier to say there will be a lot more.

You are learning what love is from the most toxic people possible, your going to spend so much of your young life in ambulances and hospitals watching your mum being stitched up after another failed suicide attempt and that’s going to be so confusing, you will hear her cry about how alone she always is even though you’ve always been right there.

You’re about to be completely abandoned in a house for more then 3 days and then abused for it being messy when an adult finally returns. You’ll be shipped from home to home and between 10 different primary schools while your mother heals herself but no one will offer to help heal or repair you. Your first grade teacher will ridicule you in front of the entire class the morning after another failed suicide attempt from you mother for not smiling enough and on the off chance you do laugh or smile and make a friend there mum will soon realize your the girl with the crazy mum and ban them from being your friend too.

Your about to stop loving your dad as well, I know this sounds crazy now but when your sitting in the corridor of the hospital for the 4th hour in a row staring through the glass double doors waiting for somebody, ANYBODY to come and pick you up and you see him walk in a deep love ignites in you the hope that your about to be saved! But you see him talk to the clerk and then be escorted out of the building while your screaming for him to come back and take you home… you’ll believe me then.

I’m sorry for how angry your going to be at him even to this day we’re still furious… but the damage done on that one night won’t ever heal, fade or repair no matter how hard I’ve tried.

Your going to remain distant and cold towards him once your parents reconcile in the months to come and I wish I could come shake you and tell you to stop being so mad, that maybe your love could save him. But that’s not your responsibility and I’m no longer angry at you for that. Your just a baby and your just reacting in the only way you know how.

As you grow your mother and father will split and reunite many times, they will say and do things to each other that your going to go on to do to your first love. Stop feeling bad for that now, we both know he didn’t deserve it but you can’t change and I’m certain that he knows your sorry.

People are going to question your reasons for being sad so often that you will soon turn your sadness into being “sick” and once you get yelled at for being “sick” all the time you to will start to dismiss your own feelings and emotions you will shrug them off so often that eventually all you know if shrugs and you’ll believe you have no real reason to be sad, you were never traumatized and the you’ve had a great life. We’re working on that now I promise!

At 13 you get your first boyfriend, you feel like your on cloud 9, he tells you that your pretty p, says he loves you and shows you off to his friends and that seems pretty cool since he’s 3 years older then you.

He asks you to stay over his house one weekend and you didn’t think your parents would allow it but his parents called your parents and said they’d be there the whole time and there was a spare bedroom at the front of there house next to there room and you’ll sleep in there and he’d be up the back of the house, your parents say yes! You are going to be so excited I’m sure your thinking about how you might have your first kiss I know this is new and exciting but I wish I could stop you!

Your life is about to be thrown upside down again. The day finally comes and off to his house you go! After about 2 hours his parents say there leaving now? What!? That’s not what they said to my parents but it’s fine your fine, everything is fine but after another 30ish minutes go by and you start to feel strange why can’t you keep your eyes open, it’s not like you to be so tired so early the world goes black… you fade in and out. Wait a minute what’s happening? Why do you feel so cold? What’s that stabbing pain in your crotch? You wake early the next morning feel dizzy he’s next to you… naked and your pants aren’t on anymore I know your confused I’m sorry I wish I could help you.

The next few hours are a blur you get home and go straight to the bathroom you stay in the shower for over an hour because that’s what the girls in all the crime shows your mum watches do, you stay in your room and sob hoping that someone will realize something anything! But they don’t. The next day he breaks up with you a relief I know but we’re not done yet.

People start to ask him why and he tells them your a whore and that your pregnant with someone else child. You start to miss school, your mother gets so angry that you finally say it’s because of the things that he’s been saying and you tell her what they are she responds

“Well will go to the police then because it’s obviously a lie your a Virgin”

That’s when you break down 3 months after it happened and tell her she is so ANGRY at you she punishes you for not telling her and doesn’t speak to you for the next 3 months. I wish I could tell you why she reacted this way but please know it was something to do with her and out of your control it’s not your fault.

Your dad is the one to take you to the police station and sit in the interrogation room over the course of 3 days his heart broke in front of you and I wish I could make you forget the look on his face. When the police go to hand him the charges he denies it all, this makes the next few months incredibly hard, he told everyone you were lying simply to get the criminal compensation when you turn 18 so just to prove a point you never even applied for it. He bribed your “friends” with pot to tell the police what he wanted them to say and eventually he got charged with “penetration of a minor” and had to do community service. This was all so unfair and I’m sorry it happened please don’t give up yet there is better things just around the corner.

Your going to fall so madly in love with a boy at 14 but not realize until it’s to late, I still think he loved you back then but neither of us acted on it, I think you were to afraid after what the last year presented and he knew to be gentle with you.

This boy is the first person in your life that you felt really sees you, he sees through your fake smile, bad jokes and encouraging persona. He can see things aren’t quiet right in your house hold and shoots anyone down that wishes they had your parents, he quietly protects you, shares his food with you everyday and happily takes a million and one photos with you and only you just to see you smile. For 3 whole years he quietly protects you, makes you feel safe and makes you feel truly happy. Unfortunately though you lose him and to this day I can’t tell you why please don’t be angry at him I’m sure he has his reasons.

Over the next 7 years things don’t get easier you’ll start to party, experiment with drugs, end up in terrible situations and be violently assaulted at the hands of a “man” who claims to love you, you’ll lose a child that you raised for 4 years but was never actually yours and make friends with people who only want to see you doing worse then themselves.

Your about to be diagnosed with a condition that your certain you don’t have, be so medicated that you don’t know what day it is and have that condition constantly used against you by the “man” that apparently loves you. I know all this is so confusing but your going to get out of this one too, never forget your strong!

Finally you’ve hit rock bottom your going to try and take your own life on a few occasions twice by overdoses and multiple times by simply starving yourself to death, I’m still not certain if that’s what you intended when you started to lose weight, you always thought since you couldn’t control anything else in your life you could control when you ate or… didn’t, but eventually you lost control of that too. Your sick now try to rest and recover I know it’s hard but I believe in you.

Unfortunately though there’s a few more hurdles coming you move in with a friend who likes to drink so you start to drink as well, you get drunk a lot and most mornings you wake up hung over and think the only cure is to drink again this all leads you to making an incredibly stupid decision and lands you in one of the most dangerous situations you’ve been in yet. Though with what we’ve been through so far I think it was all preparation for this night.

Your out drinking having a great time and a friend from when you were 18 invites you to come see him you thought why not, jumped in an Uber and an hour and a half later you were there he offers you a drink and you accept but after about an hour you start to have a familiar feeling it’s strange but familiar you realize the past is about to repeat itself and feel like there’s nothing you can do to stop it. But remember when I said you were strong? You still are maybe even stronger then before.

You get yourself to the bathroom and manage to book yourself an Uber, you drag yourself out of the house as if you were fighting your way out of hell while your so called friend is touching you and trying to stop you from leaving. But you make it your safe now I’m glad to say that because I thought I lost you for good.

In that Uber home whilst in and out of consciousness you think about your life and knew something had to change, you considered ending it all multiple times but thankfully you were far to go to actually follow through.

Once you reach the safety of your own bed you noticed a notification icon on your Instagram but we’re in no state to read it or even reply. You forget about it until a day or so later while your out with your mother and you freeze!

Your face lights up and you scream in happiness the comment reads “No way is that ****”… ITS HIM! The boy you lost touch with 7 years ago! At your lowest point he’s reappeared but this time he was hurt, so you mask all your pain and spend the next 2 and a half months talking to him day and night about his heartache, loss, hopes and dreams and finally after just over 7 years apart you meet up for breakfast and you finally feel safe again!

I’m not going to lie and tell you everything has been sunshine and Lollypops since you reconnected. You did so well and pushing everything down for so long but we’re so use to trauma that after 6 months you tried you hardest to push him away, your cracks started to show but this boy or now man I should say pushed back, he didn’t accept it, he couldn’t imagine another day of his life without you in it, he loved you and he helped you heal!

He takes you from doctor to doctor until someone actually listened, he pushed for you to be seen and take seriously, he forced them to reassess you and you were diagnosed with something that actually made sense he sat with you during multiple manic episodes bought on by medication trials they should of never put you on, the countlesslate nights at the hospital were now spent holding his hand, he took 12months off of work to be by your side day in day out while your medications were being adjusted and you healed 2 broken bones bought on by manic episodes. He knew you were broken and found you the tools to repair, he knew you longed to be apart of a family so he asked you to join his! That’s right we’re married now and you’ve done away with the name of the “family” that destroyed you so badly.

He pushes you every single day to be better, not for him, not for anybody else but for you! You are so loved!

So I know right now life is hard for you little girl, and it’s going to stay that way for a very long time! I’m sorry and I wish I could take it all away for you, I can’t but I promise you this you are strong enough to get through it! You are loved by me and now your best friend too, I won’t let anyone silence you ever again and it’s going to get better!

We have so many amazing things coming into our life including the love of our best friend and a crazy old dog.

Please don’t give up and try your hardest not to cry anymore.

Wipe them tears little lady, we love you, you finally have a home, a safe place and a haven