Tips and tricks for removing perfectionism from your life
This is the last article in the series “Taking down barriers to career advancement of women in STEM and beyond”
Other articles in the series:
Addressing your perfectionist traits
Having an understanding of the typical negative behaviors of perfectionists — people pleasing, excessive criticism, restlessness, procrastination or inaction out of fear — is already empowering. You now know that these behaviors are common, where they come from, and that they can cease to have a detrimental effect on your life. Much like with the imposter syndrome, normalizing their experience brings many a sense of a relief.
Our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors, which is why intercepting the learnt behavior and associated preconceptions is our most powerful tool. By challenging and reframing the way you see the world, accepting your own imperfections and showing yourself (and others) more compassion, you can stop overextending yourself and sabotaging your potential for a happier life. You can set yourself free from seeking external validation of your steps and how much you are worth, and create a greater sense of stability for the good and the bad times when the success does not come or the praise is withdrawn. In some cases it is worth working with a therapist and/or a career coach to develop or join a comprehensive program improving your well-being. Going on this journey with an educated professional is a proven and very common strategy.
Here’s what you can try by yourself.
Find out who you really are and want to be
Sometimes you may have acted out of a character for a long time because of what you think you should be doing (see letting go of criticism), your fears (see face your fears), or maybe putting others’ needs above your own (see learn to be assertive), which is why finding out who you really are and want to be could be challenging. A good indicator of how well you know yourself is checking with yourself whether you know what makes you happy & fulfilled; understand your “why” on your professional journey; know what is good for you and your body; know when to stop (your “boundaries”); whether you trust yourself to make big decisions or rely on external validation. You can refer back to the sections << Ending the “nature or nurture” debate>> from part 2 of the series to create a more comprehensive picture of your own personality.
Learn to be assertive
People-pleasing is the need to do things which make other people happy or like you, even when it causes you trouble or discomfort and does not allow you to show the authentic you. You could be for example avoiding a conflict, taking on tasks you don’t want to do, or failing to ask for what you need because of potential for embarrassment (because you don’t feel it’s that important), shame (as if you did something wrong), guilt (for hurting someone’s feelings), rejection (because you don’t want to be hurt).
Assertiveness is a life skill and has two important parts to it: understanding your own needs and what your feelings tell you about them, as well as knowing how to effectively and respectfully communicate your stance on a matter. Both require practice and the more you practice, the easier it is to send people-pleasing away for good.
If you struggle to identify your true self in adulthood or experience chronic stress, there is a high chance that there is some deep need that you overlooked and is left unfulfilled. An amazing tool to self-check is a matrix of needs (an example is given here), which I discovered during Stress Management course by Sandra Lasek, LifeArchitect. You can use this table to guide yourself through the self-discovery process and check which kind of need feels important but unfulfilled.
Observing your emotions and feelings in response to requests is also a signal whether something crosses the line for you or not. Emotions are helpful and important, so instead of running away from them, read them. If you feel lonely, your need for belonging is unfulfilled; if you feel frustrated, something external is affecting you and has to change; if you are afraid, you need safety; if you are sad, you may need to spend some time by yourself; if you are angry, you need to release the tension.
Once you understand what you want and need, you can respond in accordance with your deeper self to requests, opinions, or criticisms. The assertive communication I learnt about from Michał Pasterski’s course consists of 3 parts:
- Showing empathy for the feelings and emotions of your conversational-partner.
- Expressing how you feel.
- Communicating your needs/decision/opinion.
If you communicate your needs in a respectful and empathic manner, you need not to be worried about negative reactions from your conversational-partner. Destructive criticism in response to an assertive communication reveals the problems of your conversational-partner, not yours. In some cases the following assertiveness techniques can come very handy:
- fogging: openly agree with the criticism you receive (if you do agree) and accept it as feedback; e.g. “you have a point here, I should have told you that I was running late for our meeting”;
- broken record: if you speak your mind and yet meet with resistance, repeat over and over again what you think; e.g. when a salesperson calls you, keep saying “thank you but I am not interested”;
- probing: ask for more details about the opinion or criticism you receive; when appropriate, you can then summarize what you understand “so if I am hearing your view correctly…” and refer to it;
- owning it: when expressing what you want or need, do not weaken the message with statements like “my friend wants me to…”, “I would like to…” because this shows some wiggle room; rather say “I want to/don’t want to/cannot do it”;
- exit game: if someone forces their opinion on you, openly disagree with them and change the subject.
Exercise. Think of a situation in which you resorted to people pleasing instead of listening to your gut. Reimagine this situation, using assertiveness techniques.Take negative feelings under the microscope
A big part of combating the overwhelmed perfectionist in you is dealing with negative emotions when they occur.
>> Fear >>
Both fear and stress originate in the same part of the brain (the amygdala) in response to danger. As it is more advantageous from the survival perspective to overpredict than underpredict danger, our brains have evolutionarily developed a negativity bias. Brain’s sensitivity is also modified on the short time scales, e.g. through experiencing trauma, uncontrollable or overwhelming events. As Sharon Martin writes in her The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism”:
From a biological standpoint, situations where you might be criticised, rejected, or embarrassed feel just as dangerous as a bull charging right at us.
I mentioned some common perfectionistic fears in the individual obstacles section but here is a more complete list: fear of failure, not being liked, success, loneliness, rejection, criticism, not being good enough, judgement, embarrassment, not being understood, trying new things.
Many of your fears arise from cognitive distortions, which are our patterns of automatic thinking. Noticing and challenging them on the spot can help you influence the way you perceive a stressful situation and respond to it with a clearer head. Here are some of the most common cognitive distortions:
- catastrophising — expecting the worst outcome possible of a situation;
- imperative thinking — you have a too strict definition of how you or others “should” or “must” behave in a given situation, and judge them;
- mind reading — you assume what others are (often negatively) thinking;
- mental filter — you filter out positive factors and focus on negative in judging the situation;
- black and white thinking — you are thinking of situations in extremes, there are either successes of failures, no in-between;
- magical thinking — you think that everything will be better when something else happens (like learning or achieving more);
- double standard — you hold yourself to a higher standard than others.
Exercise. Find a couple of examples of cognitive distortions in your life and think how you will challenge them next time.>> Shame >>
“Shame is the fear of disconnection — it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection” Brene Brown, “Daring Greatly”
Your belief that others don’t share the same feelings, haven’t been through the same process as you, haven’t made mistakes like you, builds walls around you and disconnects you from other people. You revert to the safety of perfectionism which tells you that if you appear perfect, people won’t reject, judge or criticise you. In his book “Lost Connections — uncovering the real causes of depression and the unexpected solutions”, Johann Hari discusses different ways in which we can experience disconnection resulting in feelings of unworthiness, anxiety and depression: from meaningful work, from other people, from meaningful values, from childhood trauma, from status and respect, from the natural world, from a hopeful and secure future. Mastering the courage to be vulnerable and speak up about your experiences will not only give you a sense of a relief but will also normalize what you experience because you are not an outlier.
Exercise. What are you ashamed of? Ask yourself if you feel disconnected because of it. Write it down - sometimes admitting it to yourself can be a milestone.>> Guilt >>
A perfectionist, who sets unrealistic expectations for themselves, tends to live with a sense of guilt about needing to recharge batteries, setting healthy boundaries, investing time in relationships, having fun, or simply doing things which do not constitute a direct line to a goal. We misconstrue self-care as a “nice-to-have” rather than view it as an intentional activity addressing our very important needs.
Exercise. Do you sacrifice your needs? What view on self-care is behind it - not important / should be earned / is selfish / waste of time / .../ ? Challenge this view and plan an activity for asap.>> Anger >>
It is counter-intuitive to associate anger with perfectionism, yet unmet expectations trigger feelings of constant disappointment and frustration in life. It is easy to miss warning signs of low-level anger which begin to build up and affect our well-being. The key management strategy here is to notice that it is your recurring thoughts that contribute to the build-up of this negative emotion, as well as your own actions. For example, if you feel overworked and underappreciated at work or at home, or that things are not as they “should be”, your frustration tells you that something needs to change and you should not ignore it. Release anger in productive ways — go for a run, talk to someone, write about it. When you cool off, notice which thoughts contribute to the build-up of anger; identify what assumptions they are based on; evaluate if the expectations you set for others are truly realistic; if not, replace them with a realistic one; if yes, assert what you need and do something about it.
Exercise. In which situations do you experience low levels of anger? Are your unmet expectations truly realistic? If not, reframe; if yes, plan to meet your need.Let go of excessive criticism
When we defined perfectionism, we discussed that the painfully high standards and unmet expectations are directed towards others or the self. Excessive criticism is destructive in a variety of ways and learning to let go or criticism is an important coping strategy.
>> Self-criticism has such an easy time to thrive in perfectionists because it is on a feedback loop. At its core is the belief that you are never good enough (low self-worth) and in order to feel better you need to do more. But “more” is in fact unrealistically much, so you set expectations for yourself too high and you consistently fail to meet them. As you do, you deliver the proof that indeed, you are not enough. And so you keep on trying to do more.
The inner critic, which is the voice or sets of voices from your upbringing, culture and own experiences which you internalized to protect yourself (see the fear section), is quick to notice bad things and judge you for it. Your best weapon against self-criticism is to learn to live with the inner critic; thank them for the warnings but learn to discern when that voice starts being harmful to you. Here’s where cognitive reframing becomes essential: 1) show yourself compassion and acknowledge that you have painfully high standards; 2) learn to see mistakes as opportunities (you can learn more about the “3 gifts technique” in the section on positive intelligence below); 3) if you have regrets, use the knowledge about cognitive distortions to understand what really happened, re-do a regret on paper and forgive yourself for what happened. The low self-worth often experienced by perfectionists makes them undervalue themselves and neglect their strengths. Focus on identifying and appreciating your own strengths. Wear them like a shield you’d reach for when the wind blows.
Exercise. How do you react when you make a mistake? Has it made you feel better or worse about yourself? What if you reacted differently? Replay a situation from your life and change your old reaction to a compassionate one. Are there any learnings coming from your mistake?>> Other-criticism essentially poisons everyone’s life, including your own. It deteriorates relationships and neither does it not make you happy (see the anger section), nor motivate criticised people to change their behavior. Others-oriented perfectionism neglects what they are doing right and focuses on what they are doing wrong. In a situation, in which you are about to criticise someone, pause and ask yourself whether you are about to give in to perfectionist thinking. Are you overreacting? Jumping to conclusions? Not seeing their point of view? Is your expectation of them truly realistic? Knowing that criticism builds walls and resentment, choose to give others feedback in an assertive way (see assertive communication section). If you tend to over-criticise others, train yourself to see what others do right and learn to express it, too. In order to see how much damage over-critising does to people, you can refer to the section on parenting styles which in the same manner develop deficiencies in their children.
Exercise. Do you sometimes feel that you overly criticise your spouse, children, or colleagues? What are your triggers? Notice what perfectionistic thinking might be involved in triggering you and try to set a more realistic expectation of their behavior. Can you give better feedback?Get unstuck (i.e. stop procrastinating)
As procrastination is more about not doing than doing more, you likely never associated it with perfectionism. But we don’t just avoid unpleasant things due to laziness or the lack of self-discipline. Behind your pattern of avoiding can be overwhelm, fear and perfectionist thinking.
- When you keep adding responsibilities onto yourself and overextend yourself with constant busyness, you can experience analysis paralysis, an inability to make decisions or take actions due to the overwhelming number of choices.
- Procrastinating can be an escape from the pressure to perform, or from your fear. In the moment you are convinced that you don’t want to face a challenge, not that you want it but are simply too afraid of the outcome that will either not meet your standards or result in rejection or criticism. Your thinking patterns can look like: “what if I mess up?”, “I’m not good at XYZ, I’ll embarrass myself”, “do it well or don’t do it at all”.
When you avoid something, it doesn’t go away. The guilt of not having done something haunts you and fighting it takes away your mental energy. For example, you might not be able to rest on the weekend because that one task which was important keeps looming over you.
One of the most profound things I’ve read on the topic stems from Tara Mohr’s “Playing Big — A practical guide for brilliant women like you”. Her summary is not just powerful because it is self-compassionate and actionable but also because it is applicable to procrastinating on living a better life as a whole. Here’s why we are stuck.
Not moving forward toward your playing big aspirations stems from: — trying to force yourself into pursuing a goal that doesn’t resonate with you, — being paralyzed by fears that hadn’t been acknowledged or dealt with, — not giving yourself enough social support to enable the motivation to win over resistance, — depletion from years of unsustainable ways of living and working, and needing to restore yourself before embarking on a new endeavour.
If you are rested, aligned with your goals, found sources of support and courage to pursue a scary target, you can still try a number of strategies to make things easy for yourself. Tara calls this “the default”, or “setting up plans for actions that work for the most exhausted versions of ourselves, not the idealized ones”.
It seems radical to you that achievements could happen not because of one’s fierce will, struggle, and hard work BUT because we support ourselves so wisely and fully that change happens with ease.
Look for partial successes in your daily work; reframe negative perceptions about what you are about to do (“too hard”, “I’ll do it wrong”, “it’s boring”); break the tasks down into small chunks 30 min. each; “eat your frogs first” — start from the task that you resist the most; minimize distractions, and if needed, just promise yourself to spend 5 minutes on a painful task, not more. You will be surprised how cognitive reframing of what’s ahead of you can impact what you will or will not do.
Be mindfully present, not restless
In our fast moving culture being constantly busy is a sign of status and it fills the void of being needed and valued. It isn’t until we are too busy and our well-being, relationships and even career prospects take a toll that we press pause. Early signs that you are restless can be that you regularly sleep under 7h, are never done with your to-do lists, are moody and on edge, rush, work nights or weekends, need coffee to get by, stress about how much you have to do, start making mistakes, and finally, feel discomfort when there is nothing to do. We all know that by maintaining balance in all areas of your life we will reap long-term benefits, yet we tend to optimize only for short-term rewards, until we burn out or mess up our relationships.
There are several things one can do to prevent restlessness before we crash. It is all about giving yourself space to do mindful decision making. Mindfulness sounded esoteric to me at first, however, I couldn’t be more wrong. Once you know that your choices are influenced by factors such as your preconceptions, self-imposed expectations, automated thoughts and behaviors, patterns of neglecting your needs and pleasing others, and so on, being fully “mindful”, i.e. tuned to your feelings, needs and values right in that moment, can help you prioritize your time better. Next time you are about to make a commitment, pause. Ask yourself how you feel about it. Do your values and actions align? You are not a robot — you can do less, ask for help, delegate, or set boundaries.
Train self-command and boost your Positive Intelligence (PQ)
A year and a half ago I was invited to a pilot group of what later became an initiative to help scientists unleash their full potential, called The Positive Scientist. Mags Welten, certified professional coach behind this initiative, describes it in the following manner:
When you’re not physically fit, you feel physical stress as you climb a steep hill. Similarly, when you are not mentally fit, you feel mental stress, such as anxiety, frustration, and/or unhappiness.
“Positive Intelligence” is the ability to quieten your mind and approach challenges with a positive mindset, first described by Shirzad Chamine in his book. He defines self-sabotage as “the voices in your head that generate stress and negative emotions in the way you handle work and life’s challenges”. In his model, there are 10 different saboteurs, the “master” saboteur called Judge and the 9 “accomplice” saboteurs, who are awaken by the Judge. Saboteurs represent our defense mechanisms, or automated patterns of feelings, thoughts and responses to triggers.
The distinctive “saboteurs” in this framework are nothing more than the different faces of perfectionism discussed in this article. The Judge takes 3 forms — they judge you, others, or the circumstances (compare it with our definition of perfectionism). After the self- or other-oriented criticism, the Judge calls the accomplices. You can probably recognize the Avoider as a mechanism for procrastination, Controller as bending others to your standards and Stickler as setting painful standards for self. Hyper-Achiever strives for accolades to self-validate, Hyper-Rational disregards feelings of others when they don’t make sense to them, Restless can’t stop “doing”, Hyper-Vigilant lives in constant fear, Pleaser bends to the will of others and Victim shirks the responsibility for fulfilling their needs on others. Through this cartoon-style framework it is much easier to picture everything that I have reported in this article, which is one of the reasons why it is so effective.
The freely available Saboteur Assessment helps you evaluate to what a degree those self-sabotage mechanisms are present in your life. If after reading this article you noticed that one or more of those mechanisms significantly holds you back, you could do something about it and sign up for this 6-week-long coaching program. The workload is not too heavy and the whole program can be easily done on top of the full time work. There are two main reasons why I would highly recommend it.
- A mobile app comes with a “mental gym”, which encourages you over those 6 weeks (and later 6 months of access) to pause during the day and exercise your “self-command muscle”. Each day (4 days in a week) you will receive a short narrated morning message with the “focus of the day”, so that you continue thinking about your saboteurs, get better at noticing them, interrupt them when they activate, and eventually disempower them. Those with busy minds and tendency to neglect their own needs and self-care will particularly benefit from strengthening self-command and quieting their mind.
- The video content and Shirzad’s audiobook teach you many techniques to approach life’s challenges with a stronger and more positive mindset. For example, you will learn about something called “3 gifts technique”, which will not only help you tackle your fear of making mistakes but will also allow to find value in them. A mistake can be a source of new knowledge, strengthening useful but weak traits contributing to mental resilience, or inspiration to take a different or new action that wouldn’t be possible otherwise.
Increasing your positive intelligence is another way of sending away your perfectionism. If you want to give this method a try, check out The Positive Scientist.
Key takeaways / action items
- Negative behaviors of perfectionists — people pleasing, excessive criticism, restlessness, procrastination or inaction out of fear — can cease to have a detrimental effect on your life.
- Intercepting the learnt behavior and associated preconceptions is the most powerful tool to accept your own imperfections and stop overextending yourself. Seek help of a coach, a therapist, a CBT workbook (cognitive behavioral therapy), apps, articles, whatever you find helpful. That journey will be way easier if you take advice from people who understand human psyche better than you do.
Going against perfectionism means focusing on yourself for a bit: how you see the world, who you are, what you feel, who you want to be. In a nutshell, these are some action items that can help you get started on a wonderful journey of reaching new heights:
- Find out who you really are and want to be
- Learn to be assertive
- Take negative feelings under the microscope
- Let go of excessive criticism
- Get unstuck (i.e. stop procrastinating)
- Be mindfully present, not restless
- Train self-command and boost your Positive Intelligence (PQ)
Good luck, and if you find it helpful, spread the word!
