It’s always hard when you’re in the middle of making something delicious and you realize you’re out of a key ingredient. Worry no more! With this convenient and precise guide to substitutions in the kitchen, you’ll be ready for anything!

1 tsp baking powder = ¼ tsp baking soda + ½ tsp cream of tartar + ¼ tsp cornstarch

1 cup salted butter = 1 cup vegetable shortening + ½ tsp salt

1 shallot = ½ onion (diced) + $6 (thrown away)

1 bag spinach = 1 lb new health goals + the guilt of watching something slowly die in your fridge and knowing it’s your…

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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
So much so that it is generous to even call it a road
More of a trail, a path
A dirt serpent, slithering into the dark wood
But still, it has made a difference

I surveyed the pristine wilderness
Head held high
My back freshly patted
For getting out of my comfort zone
As my therapist repeatedly encouraged me to do
Even though the sign on the more-traveled path
Definitely said “Franconia — 2 miles”
And Franconia is where I was heading

I whistled a carefree tune and I —
I noticed
That tree
That had the weird knot that reminded me of my cousin James
I deemed it “James Tree” upon first passing
And there it was again
Unless there are two James Trees
In one wood
Which even to a humanities major as myself
Seemed unlikely
Oh god —
How many hours had passed
And I have made no progress
Am I dizzy from traveling in circles?
Is the path narrower than when I first trod it?
Are the trees closing in?
Calm down, Rob, you big baby. You can do this
Woodsman have nothing on a man of letters such as yourself
You’re Robert Fucking Frost
You can outsmart
Some imbecile trees
Oh man, I did NOT wear the right shoes for this kind of thing
My dogs, they were barking
As I took deep, panicky drinks from my canteen
In turn, my second big mistake
For now the water is gone
And I am still lost
I am going to die out here
I know that now
I will never make it to…

Exactly one interesting thing has happened to me since the virus started: I met my first big city conman. Not socially; he was at work. Conning people. Me, specifically. It was while he was conning me. But still, very exciting to meet a real one.

Oh yes, also terrifying. Excellent observation.

I was driving around LA not thinking I looked like a sucker when a truck pulled next to me and honked. …

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