The Worst Thing About The Midwest

The thing that bothers me the most about the Midwest is how it’s almost entirely in the East. Look at this insanity:

Saying Ohio is the Midwest is like saying airplanes fly Mid-dirt.

Fortunately it’s a very simple fix, we can just call it the Mideast (Middle East was taken). That’s what it is. Here’s a reasonable map drawn by a reasonable person:

And I’m not stupid, I get that most of the country was named by people who were walking east from Boston and they got to Illinois and somebody said, “are we there yet” and they were like, “yeah we’re at least in the mid west by this point.”

But grow up. That’s not the world any more and words mean stuff. This is what the Midwest should mean: the place between the middle and the west.

Obviously that leaves us with the south/north problem.

Why would the south just stop? And there is no north? Another simple fix that’s obvious to all right thinking people:

Starting today, the North are the states in the north bit, the South are the states in the south bit. Phoenix is the South and always has been. Also, notice a small carve-out for North Carolina which gets to be grandfathered into the North because of its name.

[Note: South Dakota will NOT be grandfathered into the South because two Dakotas is overkill. We will combine them into one Dakota or just sell one of them to the French].

And from now on the Deep South will only refer to Hawaii.

And Alaska will be known as the Deep North.

Of course if this is all too much for you, there is one other option: the Mid West can just refer to Washington state. It’s on the west and it is… fine.