In a World Where Nothing Matters, I’m Going Vegan

My name’s Alexa and I love meat. I love chicken wings, and barbecue breast, and whoppers with extra pickles, and god, do I love sushi. I also love milk. I have since I was little and whenever I stay at a hotel, I pour myself a glass of that viscous white stuff that’s put out for your cereal. And hell man, I love meat and milk, but really, above all things, I hold a torch for cheese.
I love animals, too, though that’s not why I’ve decided to try going vegan for a month. At the beginning of the summer, my friend took me to an event at the Soho chapter of The Wing where Alicia Silverstone was speaking about her new show, American Woman. During the Q+A, about 25 percent of people asked about Clueless. The rest of the time was taken up by Silverstone talking about her vegan diet. She even wrote a book about it and has a lifestyle website which stemmed from that.
Clearer skin, she swore. Higher energy. A happier life. I don’t know if any of that is true, or if it’s somewhat placebo, or if she’s Alicia freaking Silverstone and of course she’s happy. But when I don’t know something, I like to find out more.
I texted some of my vegan friends afterward telling them, “I think I’m going to try going vegan for a month, sometime soon.” That sometime soon was my cheat. I thought maybe sometime soon would happen during the fall. It would be too difficult in the summer, between traveling, and drinking, and just being too hot to put the effort in. Eventually, I kind of forgot why I wanted to do it in the first place. Sort of like the million other things I’ve wanted to do before — law school, archaeology, writing a book.
But you know, I am writing a book now. And just a few days ago, I got back from a college reunion in Nashville with my close friends where I deprived my body of sleep, nutrients, and enough water, and I thought, why not now?
Why not now. I’m going vegan because I’m curious. The other thing, of course, is that in a time of powerlessness, having a say over what you consume can feel like a rebellious act — that is, of course, if you have the monetary and geographic privilege to do so. The news is so unbearable I read it and my stomach cramps. Logic doesn’t apply, and neither does justice, and I wonder, why get out of bed when nothing matters. Then I get up, get out.
Nihilism isn’t actually that dark. Not to me. The world is falling apart, yes. But you still call your mom, don’t you? You still go to the gym. You still refrain from eating the entire family-sized bag of cheese doodles. You still hold the door for people, say thank you when they give you your meal. You still dream. If nothing matters, but we still live and love and try to be better just for the sake of those things, well. Isn’t that sublime, too?
I’m going to try veganism for a month because I’m curious, and because I can. If you’re interested to see how it all plays out, I’ll be updating this post every week on Sunday.
Here goes something.
Week One
I’ll start with my food/fitness/feeling diary of the past week, and end with a few takeaways.
Thursday, September 6, Day 1
Weight: 176.6 Lbs.
Start of day: Tired.
End of day: Tired.
- 10:00 AM: Grande iced pumpkin spice latte with two pumps of pumpkin spice syrup and soy milk from Starbucks. (Fun fact: Started this challenge off with a fail! Pumpkin spice syrup is not vegan.)
- 10:45 AM: Banana
- 12:45 PM: Organic Quinoa Salad from Bombay Sandwich Company and quickly made dressing of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, agave, and Dijon mustard (which is, also, not vegan -_-).
- 3:00 PM: Half a cup of mixed nuts
- 4:00 PM: A few bites of an RX bar which literally has its ingredients (eggs) written in boldface on the packaging. Another fail.
- 4:15 PM: Half a cup of this gluten-free sprouted vanilla chia granola from One Degree Organics that I’ve had sitting on my desk for like four months.
- 5:30 PM: 45-minute Hard Knocks class at Crunch
- 7:15 PM: Vegan green curry with tofu from Kor Tor Mor
Friday, September 7, Day 2, and Saturday, September 8, Day 3

So, there’s a brief interlude here where I did a 2-day juice cleanse. I’ve been wanting to do this Dr. Smood’s Beginner Detox program (which I can’t link to because their site connection isn’t secure) for a while, but couldn’t find the right time to do it. Upending my entire diet seemed to be the perfect time — clean slate and all that jazz. So, my Friday and Saturday of this week had the same line-up. It was supposed to be three days, but I cut it short to two, because I had to help out with a shoot on Monday, and I didn’t want that to be my first day post-cleanse. In summation: not as bad as I thought it would be! I wasn’t actually starving for the duration. Definitely felt much weaker though.
Start of Friday feeling: Tired.
End of Friday feeling: Exhausted.
Start of Saturday: Refreshed
Middle Saturday: Feverish, and thought I was dying because the day starts with a beet juice and if you know what color that turns your, you know, and can imagine what your, you know, might look like when you have no solid foods in you, well. It’s not pretty. But I started feeling better by about 3 P.M. and was able to do laundry and grocery shop.
End of Saturday: Normal
- 8:00 AM — 1 Booster, 1 Juice
- 11:00 AM — 1 Juice
- 2:00 PM — 1 Smoody
- 5:00 PM — 1 Juice
- 8:00 PM — 1 Quinoa Salad
- ALL DAY — 1 Juice (This one had honey, but it was part of the cleanse, and didn’t want to screw with it, so that’s another demerit against my challenge. This juice was also my favorite — tasted like a spicy lemon drop.)
Sunday, September 9, Day 4
Start of day: Normal. Slept in, though.
End of day: Fell asleep easily.
- 11:00 AM — Chia seed pudding made with coconut milk, topped with blueberries. (I followed this recipe, and bought my ingredients at Trader Joe’s.)
- 2:00 PM — Two slices of sprouted grain toast with a whole avocado and pink Himalayan salt
- 5:00 PM — Dr. Smood Juice
- 8:00 PM — Dr. Smood Quinoa salad
Monday, September 10, Day 5
Start of day: Surprisingly not that tired considering I had to wake up an hour earlier than usual.
End of day: Beat.
- 7:25 AM: Chia seed pudding with blueberries
- 9:15 AM: Small cup of black coffee
- 10:00 AM: Half of a GoMacro protein bar recommended to me by a friend, Jackie Gold
- 11:00 AM: Other half of the protein bar
- 2:30 PM: Yasai Harusame Glass Noodle Salad from Wagamama

- 2:45 PM: Banana
- 4:00 PM: Half a cup of mixed nuts
- 5:00 PM: Snack Factory pretzel crisps
- 6:30 PM: Meditation class at INSCAPE
- 7:30 PM: Quinoa salad with sriracha marinated baked tofu, roasted broccoli, roasted brussels sprouts, and fresh-squeezed lemon (Made this from ingredients bought at Trader Joe’s. Fun fact: Tofu is basically wiped out from the City Point Trader Joe’s on a Saturday at 6:00 PM)
- 9:00 PM: Trader Joe’s seeded cracker with mustard (I’m an addict)
- 9:30 PM: A few raspberries
Tuesday, September 11, Day 6
Start of day: Very tired.
End of day: I was sort of tired during the middle of the day, but I think it was just from staring at a computer screen. I felt relatively normal by bedtime.
- 8:30 AM: Chia seed pudding with blueberries
- 9:00 AM: Starbucks iced soy latte
- 10: 45 AM: Half a cup of mixed nuts
- 12:45 PM: Tokyo Super Greens w/ Tofu from Just Salad

- 3:30 PM: Pretzel thins + spoonful of peanut butter (This was supposed to be peanut butter on toast, but I didn’t realize the Ezekiel sprouted bread I bought had to be refrigerated, so it was all moldy just four days after I bought it.)
- 4:45 PM: Banana
- 5:48 PM: Granola
- 9:45 PM: Quinoa salad (This was late for me to eat, but the only time that worked for me seeing Juliet, Naked was 6:55 PM, so I didn’t get home until about 9:40. Fun fact: the stars of Juliet, Naked are my neighbors!)
Wednesday, September 12, Day 7
Weight: 173 lbs
Start of day: Relatively refreshed. Could skip my Starbucks.
End of day: Again, I was sort of tired during the middle of the day, but, again, I think it was just from staring at a computer screen. My yoga class kicked my ass, but I actually still had energy afterward, so much more than usual. Enough to make more chia seed pudding and type this out right now.
- 8:20 AM: Chia seed pudding
- 10:00 AM: Cup of coffee with vanilla almond milk creamer
- 11:00 AM: Dr. Smood smoothie
- 12:45 PM: Caesar salad and Chef’s Potato Salad from Peacefood Café (splurged on this because there was nothing good on Meal Pal, and I wanted to try one of the popular vegan spots in the city. The potato salad actually tasted like potato salad. Caesar dressing was definitely weird, but I got used to it, and actually liked it. There was some smoked seitan in this dish and it tasted okay, but the texture kind of weirded me out. It reminded me of like a dog treat or something, taste and texture together. This meal was also the first time this week that I actually felt full.)

- 2:30 PM: Half cup of mixed nuts
- 4:30 PM: Gomacro Protein bar
- 6:00 PM: Vinyasa Flow Yoga at Crunch with Ric (fun fact: this class is the highlight of my week and has singlehandedly made me more flexible and more fit).
- 7:30 PM: Quinoa salad
- 9:00 PM: Dr. Smood juice
It’s been an up and down week. On Sunday, walking past a bunch of restaurants in Brooklyn, I started salivating over meat. I miss sushi, and realized I can’t eat my favorite buffalo sauces (which include butter), so, that was a dagger in the heart. I told my friend that I didn’t think I would continue this lifestyle after the challenge, because my motivation — for health reasons — wasn’t strong enough. Meat, in moderation, raised locally, isn’t really bad for you. To really keep yourself from eating it then, it seems like you have to go back to reasons of not wanting to kill another living being. We belong to the animal kingdom though, and we’re not the only species that eats other species. So, hm. I don’t know.
Taking all that into account, the jury’s still out for me at the end of this first week. I lost 3 pounds, but I think that was probably due mostly to the 2-day juice cleanse I did over the weekend. I was fatigued on Tuesday, day six of this diet, but found so much more energy for my weekly yoga workout on day seven. Who knows if that can be attributed to the food or not? Maybe it was just a good class. There hasn’t been a real pattern of feeling more energized yet. But then again, it’s only been a week.
I do already see myself getting into healthier eating habits, though. It’s very hard to feel full with a plant-based diet, so I have to spread out my eating more than I used to, planning snacks throughout the day. That’s the other thing — junk food is sort of off the table. A lot of chip seasoning has milk powders in it so I can’t have those. Can’t have milk chocolate. Can’t have iced caramel macchiatos, or pumpkin spice lattes. Can’t even have many granola bars, which have honey.
I also, for the first time in a while, am paying attention to every little ingredient in the food I consume. It’s sort of a pain in the ass, and takes a lot longer to grocery shop and order food, but in the long run, this is my body, right? I should probably give a shit about what I’m putting into it.
So, that’s where I am with this. My coworker told me people won’t read anything that doesn’t have pictures — a reality I’ll forever be futilely bent on defying — so I’ll include more of those next week.
Week 2
Thursday, September 13, Day 8
Feeling: Woke up very tired, but I have my yoga class on Wednesday, so this makes some sense
- 8:30 AM: Chia seed pudding

- 10:00 AM: Coffee with almond milk
- 10:45 AM: Half a cup of mixed nuts
- 12:15 PM: Half of mushroom bowl (w/ my own avocado added) from Oxido

- 2:30 PM: Small dish of kale salad with edamame, leftover from a client meeting
- 3:30 PM: Rest of mushroom bowl
- 4:00 PM: Stomach really started to hurt, felt super crampy. Took two tums. Got better around 6:00 PM or so.
- 5:30 PM: Little peanut butter snack pack thing
- 6:45 PM: Quinoa w/ roasted brussels sprouts and broccoli salad
Friday, September 14, Day 9
- 9:00 AM: Starbucks soy cappuccino
- 9:45 AM: Chia seed pudding w/ raspberries and blueberries
- 10:45 AM: Half cup of nuts
- 12:30 PM: Beet falafel bowl from The Little Beet (THIS WAS SO GOOD.)

- 3:00 PM: Three spoonfuls of peanut butter
- 3:45 PM: Bag of lays chips
- 6:00 PM: Mint tea w/ sugar syrup from my writing spot, Konditori
- 8:45 PM: Spaghetti with pine nuts, spinach, sundried tomatoes, garlic, and tofu

Saturday, September 15, Day 10
Feeling: Surprisingly untired considering I was waking up before 7 on a Saturday, and had spent the previous night cleaning (read: scrubbing) my apartment with my roommates in preparation for an Emmy’s viewing party that upcoming Monday. Also, I had enough energy that entire day to write 1,000 words of my novel, and go out with friends that night, without napping.
- 6:45 AM: Wake up
- 7:40 AM: Go macro protein bar
- 10:08 AM: Ran 5K in 35 minutes (sort of bad, but I wasn’t that worn out afterward! So that was cool.)
- 11:40 AM: Bloody Mary and Green and Grains salad from Jackson’s

- 1:30 PM: Starbucks iced coffee with almond milk and vanilla
- 1:39 PM: 8 oz. of Gingerade kombucha, and two slices of whole grain toast with peanut butter
- 5:00 PM: Banana
- 6:30 PM: Quinoa corn veggie burger from Burger UrWay

- 8:30 PM: Three glasses of Sauvignon Blanc (lmao. Thought about not drinking this month, but come on. I’ve gotta have some indulgences. I’m not a monk.)
- 11:45 PM: Avocado roll, cucumber roll, veggie dumplings, side of spicy mayo. (I’m perfectly aware this is not vegan. However, I was slightly drunk, and really needed it in the moment, and would I really be living the Vegan lifestyle if I didn’t drunkenly give into a non-vegan craving???)
Sunday, September 16, Day 11 (best day of my life spent at the Brooklyn Book Festival)
- 9:00 AM: Chia pudding (and a breakthrough in my book! I usually can’t write this early, but was able to that day)
- 10:45 AM: Go Macro protein bar
- 1:30 PM: Mushroom/tofu poke bowl from Wikiwiki at DeKalb Market

- 3:00 PM: Masala iced coffee with almond milk from Ministry of Kaapi vendor
- 6:30 PM: Spaghetti w/ spinach, pine nuts, sundried tomato
- 8:20 PM: Kombucha
- 8:30 PM: Slice of whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter
- 9:30 PM: Seeded crackers w/ hummus
Monday, September 17, Day 12
- 8:30 AM: Piece of toast w/ avocado
- 9:45 AM: Coffee with almond milk
- 12 PM: Kettle-cooked jalapeño chips
- 12:45 PM: A salad from The Little Beet which secretly had cheese :(
- 3:45 PM: Go Macro protein bar (had to skip the Dō donuts we had for a coworker’s birthday.)
- 8 PM: Pasta salad I made with whole wheat pasta, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, chick peas, cauliflower, red onion, and balsamic vinegar

Tuesday, September 18, Day 13
Feeling: Super tired and disoriented waking up. My alarm clock wasn’t set?? This was definitely my most struggle-y day I’ve had in these two weeks. I was complaining a lot about wanting to eat burgers and pizza, and I don’t even really like burgers and pizza that much. I think I just finally hit that point that I always do after eating healthy for a little while, where I want to indulge in something bad for me. But I wasn’t allowed to this time, and I was angry.
- 9:00 AM: Starbucks soy cappuccino
- 10:00 AM: Banana and little cup of peanut butter
- 12:00 PM: 14 almonds
- 12:45 PM: Quinoa salad from Bombay Sandwich Co.
Interlude in my notes (there were a bunch of really good-looking sandwiches leftover from a client meeting): I WANT SANDWICHES SO FUCKING BADLY IM SO TIRED OF JUST EATING VEGETABLES AND GRAINS
- 7:00 PM: Pasta salad
- 8:30 PM: Two pieces of whole wheat bread with grainy mustard
- 9:00 PM: Kombucha
Wednesday, September 19, Day 14
Weight: 173 lbs.
- 9:00 AM: Starbucks almond milk iced latte (I liked this better than the soy one I got. It tasted more like milk.)
- 9:46 AM: Banana
Another interlude: So much gas
- 11:00 AM: Half a vegetable wrap that was leftover from a client meeting
- 12:45 PM: Sesame Avocado bowl from The Little Beet (ugh, this was delicious)

- 2:30 PM: 14 almonds
- 4:30 PM: Go Macro protein bar
- 5:00 PM: 14 almonds
- 6:00 PM: Vinyasa flow yoga
- 8:00 PM: Pasta salad with tofu added
- 10:00 PM: A few berries
My weight stayed the same this week, which is a good thing. I don’t consider myself overweight. It’s strange then, that my initial reaction to the number on the scale was deflation. Or maybe not so strange when you consider how often we conflate health and weight in this country, in this global community.
I’ve said this many times but I’ll say it again: I started this challenge for health reasons. But before long, I began viewing it as a sort of diet, when I realized the snacks I was cutting out. Who gives a shit about energy, I thought all of a sudden. I have an excuse to not eat chips, cookies, donuts, cheese! I began losing sight of why I started, thinking, Well, maybe I’ll keep this going past the 30 days, if only to keep shedding pounds.
Then, yesterday, I read this article in HuffPo, taking a fresh view of the obesity epidemic. Diets don’t work, this journalist discovers. It’s proven. Whether or not there’s a rebuttal to be made of that — and I’m sure there is — it wasn’t that point that stuck with me. It’s what the writer says later. Weight and health aren’t interchangeable, and recently, actress Jameela Jamil has been proposing the same through her i_weigh movement.
I don’t think I’m suddenly going to stop caring about how I weigh because of anything I read, or any empowering movement. I’m a woman who wants to be loved, and unfortunately, the message sold to me, ingrained in me, and projected by me is that I need to be of a certain look — read: weight — in order for that want to be realized. But I see no point in being upset by this, just as I see no point in being submissive to the reality that women aren’t treated as equal to men. This is the way things are, and we do our best to upend them. We’re so much farther than we once were, and that’s because of women who did the work. It reminds me of this Greek proverb I love: A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in.
Perhaps I’ll always be concerned with my weight. But maybe one day a girl much younger than me won’t if I try to make things better for her now.
Other notes: I’ve noticed a lot of gas in my system. I don’t mean flatulence. I mean literally like my sides and stomach have been feeling more crampy and it’s not because I haven’t been having enough water. It’s from the beans and legumes and greens and all that healthy fiber! I asked a friend if this happened to her and how she managed it. She told me it goes away after month two or three when your body gets used to your new diet. Great! I told her. Considering mine’s a 30-day challenge. Try lemon water with cayenne, she returned. So I’m trying that.
I also met with a nutritionist last week. He said that I was doing everything really well, and my diet was super nutritious. My one worry, protein, he said, wasn’t as hard to get as people believed. As long as I lean into protein-rich snacks like nuts, edamame, etc. and have some in my meals like tofu, I would get the amount I need. My other worry, probiotics, wasn’t hard to achieve either. 8 oz. of kombucha a day, he said. Looks like Peter Kavinksy’s ahead of the game.

The nutritionist did say that since my reasons are health-related and not ethical, he would recommend bringing eggs and fish back into my diet once the 30 days are over. Red meat and pork, even chicken — he could agree with getting rid of them. Same with dairy. But there are really no arguments — save ethics — against eggs and fish, which is something I’ve already been thinking about. I miss my salmon sushi far too much.
More next week.
Week 3
Thursday, September 20, Day 15
- 9:11 AM: Iced almond milk latte with two pumps vanilla from Starbucks
- 11:00 AM: Banana
- 11:30 AM: 10 almonds
- 12:30 PM: Two slices of veggie vegan pizza from Two Boots (earth mother), one slice with vegan cheese (v for vegan)


- 4:30 PM: Slice of whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter
- 8:00 PM: Pasta salad
- 9:00 PM: Seeded cracker w/ hummus
Friday, September 21, Day 16
- 9:00 AM: Iced coffee w/ soy milk + plain pumpernickel bagel (this had egg wash on it, but you know, I needed to eat, and there was nothing else for me at Konditori)
- 1:45 PM: Pasta salad
- 3:00 PM: 28 garlic salted almonds
- 6:15 PM: Peanut butter ball from Scranton delight, Zummo’s

- 7:30 PM: Corn chowder and Impossible burger from Terra Preta (so, I know everyone says you couldn’t tell the Impossible Burger isn’t meat, but, you 100 percent can. It really looks like beef though. And it’s not bad — as long as you have toppers like avocado, ketchup, tomato, and red onion).
- 10:30 PM: some pretzels
Saturday, September 22, Day 17
- 9:00 AM: Black coffee
- 10:30 AM: Peanut butter ball + a few pretzels
- 1:15 PM: Baked potato wedges and side of buffalo sauce
- 3:00 PM: Two pieces of pita and hummus
- 6:30 PM: Veggie spring rolls, veggie green curry from Thai Rak Thai
- 8–2 am: Heineken, jack and coke, whiskey ginger, lagunitas, Guinness (not hungover the next morning, whoo!)
Sunday, September 23, Day 18
- 9:30 AM: Protein puck, coffee with almond milk
- 12:30 PM: Popcorn
- 5:30 PM: Mashed eggplant, rice, chana masala, naan (not vegan, by the way :( )
Monday, September 24, Day 19
- 9 AM: Cup of black coffee
- 10:00 AM: Two peanut butter balls
- 1:30 PM: Apple walnut salad from Scanlan’s

- 3:30 PM: Bay seasoning potato chips
- 8:00 PM: Avocado roll, cucumber roll, miso soup
- 9:00 PM: Mixed berries
- 9:30 PM: Ginger ade kombucha
Tuesday, September 25, Day 20
- 9:30 AM: Almond milk latte with pump of toffee nut syrup
- 10:00 AM: Banana
- 10:45 AM: Almonds
- 11:30 AM: Toast with peanut butter and jelly
- 12:30 PM: Half falafel pita and pumpkin hummus shake from The Hummus & Pita Co.

- 4:00 PM: Popcorn
- 6:00 PM: Kale salad I made with roasted butternut squash, roasted chick peas, carrots, edamame, and cranberry-garlic vinaigrette (SO good. I’d eat this regularly.

Wednesday, September 26, Day 21
Weight: 171.8 lbs.
- 9:00 AM: Coconut milk iced latte (I realized that coconut milk is my favorite dairy substitute for coffee drinks)
- 10:45 AM: Blueberry coconut yogurt from Trader Joe’s
- 11:30 AM: 20-minute session in the somadome at Modern Sanctuary
- 12:30 PM: Sesame avocado plate from The Little Beet
- 3:00 PM: Almonds
- 8:00 PM: Kale salad
I don’t have as much to share for this week, mainly because there haven’t been a lot of new developments. It’s still been hard to find things that I can eat, and I still think that I might not keep going with this after the 30 days.
However, I do inarguably feel less tired throughout the day. This isn’t necessarily physical energy, but mental focus. I went home last weekend to write, which I’ve done a few times before. In the past, I’ve always felt spent after writing, like I just want to lay on the couch and watch movies (which there’s nothing wrong with since I usually do so with my dogs, mom, sister, dad, Bryan, or Jenny.) Instead of writing for all three days, I only write for one of them. This time, though, I wrote all three days. In fact, for the last 14 days, I’ve written 1,000 words a day. I’m now over 60K words into my novel. I think I really do owe a lot of that to what I’ve been putting into my body.
I also usually binge on shit when I go home for the weekends, indulging in all my favorite Scranton delights. I couldn’t do that this time, though I did eat some yummy Thai and Indian both nights.
That’s the other thing — since my sort of revelation last week about this not being a weight loss journey, I’ve been trying not to make it that. I’ve been eating well, but not eating less. I also had like five drinks this weekend, including a Guinness (which may or may not be vegan; sue me) and at the end of this week, I lost a little over a pound.
For all the things I miss, I can’t deny that this diet is potentially more beneficial to my writing. At the end of this challenge, I may have to decide what matters more to me: the passion of my life (!) or convenience.
When it’s laid out like that, all my whining starts to sound a lot weaker.
