Dear Darlin’,
A Letter for Greg
First of all, I want you to understand one thing about me: I can never verbalize exactly what I feel, at first. Like what we were talking about before, you always think of the right things to say to an argument a couple days later. This is one of those situations. I have no idea how long this is going to be, or how much “verbal diarrhea” I’m going to spill, but be prepared, this could be a doozy…
This whole situation is fucked up. I’m sorry for making your life so much more complicated and for putting you in a weird position. That was never and will never be what I want for you. I don’t want to be a problem, I want to be a solution.. Or at least the one you come to with your problems. I’m sorry about coming over. I know you felt like being in an alone mood and as soon as I met Katie, I knew that it was a bad idea. I just didn't want to have this conversation over the phone. However, it seems that I've proved that I can’t really have this conversation in person either. So here it is. I’m laying it all out: No interruptions, no distractions, no filters.
I care about you so much. I want to take away all of the pain and struggle that you are dealing with in life. You should be happy. You should be cared for, loved and appreciated. You need to see how good you are for your son. I hear the way you talk about him and I can’t help but think of how lucky he is to have you. To have someone who is
going to fight for him and put their own happiness on hold so that he grows up surrounded by the right people, instead of his bitch mother. To have someone who will clean up after him and tell him that everything is okay when he’s had an accident. Wow. You are the best thing that could have ever happened to him, and I have no doubts that he is the same for you. You also deserve to be told that you’re great. Sure, we all fuck up sometimes, we get a little busy and absorbed in our own lives or our own shit, but you’re great, god dammit. You are so kind and considerate. You deserve more than a half-hearted thank you when you bring your wife flowers and chocolates for no reason in particular. You deserve to be held at night; and know that you’re the only one she wishes to hold as she falls asleep. You deserve to make love. You deserve to feel content. Not frustrated. Not hurt. Not lonely. Not fucked over.
I want to see you happy. And if I can do that, even by just being around, then I’ll do that. But please know that sometimes it’s going to be hard for me. Now that I've gotten a taste of what it’s like to be treated the way I deserve, I’m always going to want more. And as long as you’re around, I’m going to want that from you. But I can put all those selfish feelings aside, because being there for you and you being there for me is so much more important. I love having you in my life and I don’t want to do anything that could jeopardize that.
I’m so sorry about the lines that I've crossed and for laying temptation right out there on the table. I can honestly say that I never would have slept with you, as much as I would have liked to. There are a few reasons.
1) I know I've said it before, but I’ll say it again: I refuse to be the first person that you sleep with during your marriage. I cannot justify it. I have too much respect for you and the fact that you have not been with anyone else even though she has done this to you.
2) I believe in marriage. I believe in the vows that you take on your
wedding day. I’m a hopeless romantic and cannot wait until the day that I get to say those words to someone, because I’m going to mean them. I can’t taint my view of marriage, because everyone taking part in an affair is at fault for breaking those vows, not just those who took them.
3) It would break me. To settle for a physical, no strings, friends with benefits thing would break me. I told you before: I love with everything I have. I have so much love to give, and that includes sex. I can’t separate feelings from that. I won’t.
4) I've had sex once since the “incident” with Joe, and I damn near started crying in the middle of it. I am dealing with so much more than just this investigation right now. I’m dealing with the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I’m dealing with the fact that I had absolutely no power and now I’m the one that is being blamed for it. It’s going to be a long time before I can be that intimate with anyone again.
So, now, I’m to the point where I need to talk about where this leaves us. Honestly, I don’t want to lose you. With everything that is going on, I can’t afford to lose you. These past two weeks, I've had more support and care than I have in a long time, and I need it now more than ever. So thank you. And please don’t leave. That would absolutely break my heart.
Darlin’, you’re one of the only reasons I've managed to keep a smile on my face lately. Every night when I’m going to sleep, all I can think about is everything I’m going through and how I don’t know where I would be without you. You came into my life at the right time, that’s for damn sure, and now is not the right time to leave. You’re right, I don’t know how much or what I mean to you. I don’t know how important I am to you. I don’t understand how I could be. I’m just some young little thing, running around and trying to find herself. You just got swept up in the hurricane that is Alexa Jane and you’re going along for the ride. I’m surprised you've held on this long, to be completely honest with you.
I think I’m all out of the things that I wanted to say to you. But here’s the bottom line: I love you. Now, don’t go blowing it all out of proportion or anything, cause that’s the last thing I want to do. I believe there are many different kinds of love. There’s “head-over-heels-can’t-be-without-you” love, there’s “you-annoy-me-so-much-but-I-can’t-stand-life-without-you” love and there’s family love, etc. Well, the kind of love I feel for you isn't romantic love, but it’s not that familial love either. It’s the “I-like-who-I-am-when-I’m-with-you” love. It’s the kind of love that feels pure, and unconditional and knows no limits. It’s the kind of love that people like you and I deserve, because god dammit haven’t we been through enough? Haven’t we been hurt enough to deserve just one thing out there that is going to last? I think so. So I’m going to love you, Greg. Because that’s what you need and what you deserve.
Email me when Alexa Jane publishes or recommends stories