Things I’ve Thought About While Suffering From Chronic Migraines

  1. Could I get out of a crime for blaming them on my migraines? “ The defendant claimed that her chronic migraine condition caused her to commit a crime of passion due to her inability to control her pain and emotions.”
  2. Does POTUS get migraines? If so, what do his people tell him to do? Is he supposed to rest in a dark room and take three aleve?
  3. If pain killers are supposed to relieve pain why won’t my doctors just prescribe me some norcos and shut me up already?
  4. I wonder how many times staff at the UCSF Headache Center have been told that they literally CAUSE their patients headaches?
  5. No Uber driver, you are not a doctor, I told you that I have a migraine because I don’t want to listen to trance for the next twenty five minutes. So please don’t tell me that I may have a brain tumor or other false diagnoses. That’s like when my brow lady thought I fell out of bed in my sleep and broke my nose.
  6. I wish I was suffering from these in high school so I would’ve gotten into better colleges. I had migraines back then, but compared to these, they were nothing. An acceptance to Berkeley would’ve been nice.
  7. I really want to watch the debates but the sound of both Hillary Clinton’s and Donald Trump’s voice makes my head hurt worse.
  8. No, I do not want to drink bottomless mimosas right now.
  9. Please stop telling me that it’s not okay for my work to “encourage me to quit my job” because it’s over and i’m still unemployed!
  10. Dear friends, there is a thing called google please google “ migraine” and stop texting me “ i’m sure there has to be something else that can be done!”
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