Why are electric cars so boring?
Electric cars are fantastically dull. Yes, they go from zero to a million in a blink, and yes they are good for the planet, but the former only makes everyone feel sick, and the latter will only make a difference if people start driving them. And if that is to happen, people have to want one, and today nobody really does.
Maybe this doesn’t matter, because soon nobody will own a car anyway. You will have to be extremely rich to justify owning something which depreciates at a such terrifying rate, and you only use it 5% of the time. This is why timeshare went out of fashion, and now people rent holiday villas rather than cough up for a fresh one every few years. Yet, if your holiday rental was as humid and austere as the typical Uber, you’d think twice about going again. Why should we accept boring electric cars just because we don’t own them?
It is a shame, because the electric powertrain should be a good ride; lightening fast and cheap to maintain, a combination that’s evaded Alfa Romeo for many years. Yet, they are still boring to be in and boring to drive. No wonder they drive themselves, nobody else wants to. The Tesla is a slice of lemon drizzle; a cake with all the right ingredients, but you’d still rather the triple-decker double chocolate fudge number next door. And it’s not just newer auto-makers; Volkswagen’s imagination for a practical application of the electric motor peaked with the e-Golf. Yes, they’ve shown off an electric fantasy-camper, but who under 65 will want to holiday in it, let alone afford one. Considering a campervan is a clear sign you didn’t spend enough money on your last holiday. The e-Camper is VW flirting with us; it is only a matter of time before it serves up another diesel euro-hatch of disappointment. It’s a marketing technique rarely seen elsewhere. Apple doesn’t promise an indestructible iPhone, then pop out another device which could well use the working title of the new Bond film, Shatterhand.
The real reason electric cars are so boring is because carmakers do not actually sell cars anymore, they sell financial products largely to those with high vehicle utilisation, like Uber drivers or car-share schemes. A normal person purchasing a new car should apply the Vegas rule; only use money you can afford to lose, because this particular investment is so bad, even the house rarely wins. The financial products sold by carmakers are their attempt to find a buyer and minimise liability for the catastrophic depreciation their product suffers in the first two years of its life. Even with an array of financial options, it is still a tough sell. To prevent further loss it makes sense to manufacture cars which appeal to high utilisation buyers, hence the million flavours of Prius at every dealership.
Beyond economics, there’s a human reason they are boring too. Electric motors just aren’t interesting; they suck dirt in our vacuums, and pump cold air into our homes. Few have yearned to vacuum with a Dyson; plenty have thirsted over a Mustang.
If you go to Enzo Ferrari’s workshop in Modena, you will understand. The internal combustion engine is near-human in its anatomy. Thousands of components which combined create motion, heat, noise and life. Despite James Dyson’s best attempts, we are yet to truly bond with the electric motor. Perhaps it is too simple; you could have a Casio wristwatch, but you don’t, you have a monstrous chronometer capable of surviving nuclear winter. You could have a melon sized electric motor with about three moving parts, but you don’t want one, even if it can drive itself, flap its doors and empty a hot coffee into your lap at the lights.
This sounds like I’m down on electric power: I’m not. It’s obviously the superior powertrain, but few are doing it justice, and even fewer are giving it the human quality – the meaning – It needs to be successful. Where’s the electric Mustang in Zipcars’ fleet? Why doesn’t a Prius have more rear-legroom and seats which don’t immediately transform into enormous, wilted Portobello mushrooms upon use?
The future of ownership is not mutually exclusive with interesting cars. You might even coax a few back to ownership if you offer something people want to own. I can already get a Prius in two clicks for less money than the bus, but this is not a signal our interest is lost. Carmakers should not give up on us, just make the most of the electric possibility and recapture our imagination.
