Rules for Open Discourse in an American University Classroom

  1. If you are a Leftist White Heterosexual Male, sit in the back of the classroom, do not attempt to speak, take copious notes, and hope you are never called upon. If called upon be prepared to apologize for White Privilege. (Jews are not included — you will be dealt with separately!)
  2. If you are an active member in the LGBT community, and believe you are a victim of heterosexual discrimination if only on a broad societal level, sit in the front of the class and prepare to be praised. You are the star of this class!
  3. If you are a Person of Color and consider the color of your skin a cause of profound societal victimization, then you may sit behind the LGBT students. (Please note that your skin color MUST be darker than your standard paper grocery bag — no Creoles or Mulattos — AND ABSOLUTELY NO WHITES PRETENDING TO BE BLACK!)
  4. If you are a non-practicing Jew filled with self-loathing and firmly committed to the destruction of the Zionist Entity, you may sit in front of the Leftist White Heterosexual Males, with the same rules. In addition to mandatory apologies for White Privilege you must be prepared to sincerely explain why Zionism is worse than any other “ism” that could possibly exist, and specifically how it is worse than Apartheid.
  5. Practicing Muslims who believe Sharia should be imposed imposed upon the corrupt West may sit behind the Persons of Color, but only if you refrain from openly expressing your anti-homosexual sentiments. Anti-Semitic and anti-Zionist comments may be expressed regardless of the subject matter; in fact it is encouraged.
  6. Angry Feminists may sit behind the Practicing Muslims and agree with everything they say. Remember your place women! Do not speak out of turn, cover your hair, arms and legs, nor can you be confrontational to any Muslim in class. If you must speak then focus your attention on the evils of Judeo-Christian fascist culture that has historically oppressed women and is currently committed to a War on Women.
  7. Everyone else may sit in the middle of the class, and agree with everything the Professor and the front of the class says.
  8. Tea Party Members, Evangelical Christians, pro-Israel Jews, practicing Catholics, and current or past members of the US fascist military have already failed this class. You are the enemies of the People. You represent everything that is wrong with this country. We hate you. You may leave.
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