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You have a decent start on your review article here Shivali. You’ve found an interesting video and are doing a good job of referring to specific aspects of it and leveraging them in your analysis. That being said, there were a lot of sentences here that were a bit hard to follow, and that was compounded by the need for better organization and signposting throughout the piece.

Here is how I would try to go about revising this piece. First, in the introduction or near to it, I would try to state in one or two sentences what the major argument of the article is. What should readers take away from this piece? Then after that, provide 2–3 sentences that give an outline of the major points you are going to make in the body of the article to support your argument or takeaway. Once you’ve done that, try to tie each section back into your introduction, post signs throughout the body showing the reader where they are at in the outline you’ve provided at the start. Then at the end, recap the argument and major points and deliver the takeaway for the reader. If you do that, it will allow you to much more easily sort out which information needs to be where, and how individual sentences ought to be phrased.

I’d be happy to speak with you more about this in person. As it stands, this article has a lot of potential, but it needs some revision work to make it more organized, clear, and concise.

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