Unpacking the Jonah Hill Controversy
Hey, everyone. I decided to make this article a separate shorter piece from the third edition of my series after looking further into this recent development. I will use this article as a jumping point for that blog, tentatively titled “Boundaries and Standards.” Consider this a one-off but relevant prologue to that edition.
So, what has been going on with the most profane actor since Samuel L. Jackson that has had the Internet buzzing over the past month? On July 7, Jonah Hill’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Brady posted a series of exchanges between them on her Instagram story. She coupled the messages with the following caption:
“This is a warning to all girls. If your partner is talking to you like this make an exit plan. Love y’all. Call me if u need an ear.”
Since Brady posted these messages, observers have been debating not only if Hill was wrong for his behavior but also inquiring about the true definition of “boundaries.” After all, looking at these texts from a neutral lens will show that Hill is displaying narcissistic behavior yet is expressing a less-flattering way of setting his boundaries in their relationship. However, tribalism will rage on as usual, so people have picked sides as to who is in the right. In this article, I explain why there isn’t a “good vs. evil” argument to this entire situation, and I will introduce points that will be explored further in “Boundaries and Standards.”
Firstly, regarding all the messages I have seen, yes, Jonah Hill is being narcissistic. From someone who once dated a narcissist, I know. How can one deny it when some of his texts read, “You don’t seem to get it… But it’s not my place to teach you,” and “I literally am the best boyfriend.” He is clearly displaying emotionally abusive tendencies in this chat. It would be dangerous to disregard any of this as it allows narcissists to continue their behavior without criticism. (Criticism, unfortunately, can also further trigger narcissistic tendencies.)
Not only is he acting solipsistic, but Hill’s logic is flawed if we consider the context of his and Brady’s relationship. The point of contention lies in the fact that Brady is a surfer, instructor, and model. As such, she is often seen and advertised in revealing clothing and in the presence of men in their own revealing outfits. However, Hill knew that. This wasn’t a recent development: Brady had done these activities before she met Hill. Why is it suddenly a problem when he should know that her career hinges on those facets?
Hill’s comments might have also been controlling. He influenced the removal of a few posts on Brady’s Instagram account, including one that he inaccurately referred to as her in a thong (it was a bikini). If he was trying to manipulate Brady’s feed, including changing what was considered her “best surfing video,” he sure as hell better created a backup option for her career since it is clear that he wants more sway to manage it. Furthermore, he belittles her therapist for working with her, assuming they “badmouth” him. Again, coming from someone who dealt with narcissistic abuse, this tactic is precisely what my ex tried to do to me, even saying it was wrong for me to seek help.
However, as I mentioned earlier, Hill does make some valid points. Brady notes in one of the posts that he is “weaponizing” the term “boundaries.” Does this suggest that Hill’s boundaries are invalid? Granted, I said before that this doesn’t make sense if you realize Hill knew of Brady’s career. However, if we were to take this situation in a vacuum removing that point, along with the emotional abuse, he would be entirely correct to set those limits in the relationship, preferably at the onset. This has a similar energy to a woman saying to her boyfriend that he cannot talk to other women at work. It is extreme, but he has the choice to leave or cease his interactions.
If a man felt uncomfortable with his partner exposing herself to the global populace, he should feel free to say that. Yes: his partner can push back by saying it is in their career interest to persist. However, he should not be shamed to vent his concerns. After all, bottling that insecurity inside can lead to lasting consequences, such as an even more turbulent breakup. Nobody should be in a relationship that makes them unhappy. In fact, I “should” applaud Hill for being upfront about his concerns, as most men would not be willing to do so. (Read: Should. I will not because Hill is still not entirely cleared from this situation.)
We should consider that if this were to take place in a different culture, Brady would not be caught dead wearing what she wore. She would not only have been dumped but she would have likely been labeled a harlot and (in another era) possibly stoned. And while Hill had no problem initially, people are still allowed to change their minds, even if it makes them look like neurotic dickheads.
Most importantly (as far as I can tell), Hill has no desire to oversee what Brady will do in her future to continue the relationship. He essentially said this: if you cannot drop what you are doing, then I cannot continue dating you. That was it. There was little-to-no exploitation there. He never held a gun to her head. It was less of an ultimatum and more of a breakup. I am sure that Hill, as insane as he sounds in these texts, knew in the back of his mind that Brady would never ditch her career. So, he said goodbye to being partners. As he said, he supported her endeavors should they bring her happiness. (Although empty platitudes like those are also typical in narcissistic relationships.)
Also, it wasn’t like Hill completely destroyed any chance that Brady could have a surfing career. If he wanted her to change her clothes, she could possibly wear less revealing outfits. If he wanted her to stop having male friendships, it would be slightly tedious but not unthinkable.
Remember: no one is entitled to a relationship.
At the end of the day, Hill said he would not be the right partner for Brady. Had that text alone been the inflammatory comment she posted, society would (theoretically) support Hill for taking a stand to make himself secure in the relationship. After all, he allowed her to leave if this could not be worked out. However, in today’s world, that text would remain problematic, even in isolation. Why? Because Jonah Hill is a man.
The issue is that, as I note in “Boundaries and Standards,” men are often unable to do what Hill did. Either due to the fear of losing a potential partner, the deficiencies guys have in setting their standards, the potential blowback they face from their partners’ friends (or worse, social media and today’s culture), men are not as capable of setting their boundaries as women. And, as I will argue there, women sometimes abuse those boundaries in much the same way that Hill did.
Nevertheless, it is necessary to note that Brady is correct in saying that Hill is weaponizing that term. Narcissists are notable for using virtues in their complaints, such as saying that criticism or going against their behavior goes against their boundaries. Regardless, this does not nullify the boundary setting; rather, it is being abused in this setting.
And yes, I certainly realize that this might have been a clout-chasing attempt by Brady, considering that Hill’s current partner is now pregnant. (Congratulations!) Leave me be! I tried not to be cynical here! I know that leaking private conversations is terrible, but I hope this was for good intentions, as there is a lot of value in generating discussions like this.
To conclude, it is crucial to remember that even though this controversy has raised some eyebrows concerning Jonah Hill, it is perfectly acceptable to set boundaries, even when the request seems controlling. When dating, you need to be sure that you will be comfortable with your partner. That includes the security of knowing that your partner is not gallivanting with those who disturb that security. It is not “small dick energy” to say that you aren’t comfortable if your girlfriend hangs out with men with their tops exposed. Is it weird? Yes. Is it valid? Also yes.
I will continue exploring the issues of boundary-setting for men in Part 3 of Why Victims of Female Perpetrators are Ignored. Until then, stay tuned!
